It's been a sweet minute, no?...
I'm afraid, with so much going on my poor blog has fell somewhat by the wayside as I have been doing the juggling of being Ruby's mum, learning who I actually am, doing the housework, dealing with unwanted situations, building, deconstructing and rebuilding a business and shifting into exploring my passions of storytelling via blogging and podcasting and mental health...
It sounds like a whole mess of crap.. It kind of is right now and not at the same time but in the most weirdly beautiful way.
Ever since becoming pregnant with Ruby I have been on this journey of learning a whole new way of life and flitting between holding on that protective armour of avoidance to get stuff done and not be bowled over by my feelings when I have so much to do and get on with and figure out... And then the other side that has been letting chinks of that armour fall away at times to let those feelings ooze out, sometimes way more than oozing..
Right now, Ruby is 14 and a half months Earthside, it's flew by in a minute and she's now walking a bit, putting on a show, gathering kisses and cuddles and just generally amazing me every single day.. Some days can be tough, but over all, Ruby is such a sassy, headstrong and independent wee toot that she is easy going. She doesn't need to be constantly entertained or mollycoddled; in fact sometimes she wants to do her own thing, but she loves to interact and play and tell me what she is doing and watching her interact with other littles and friends and family is just heart bursting, she is just amazing.
I remember when people said before I had Ruby, or was even pregnant, that you can't imagine the love until you have a child and I totally get it now. I sometimes feel like I love her so much that I might spontaneously combust. It's insane. I feel so unworldly lucky.
It's a glorious feeling and one of the few positive feelings I freely allow myself to enjoy, I never even considered this an issue..
It is only recently, after psychotherapy appointments identifying why I may have developed such severe insomnia, which I knew was not physical - It was a physical presentation or symptom of being in sheer emotional pain from abandonment, grief and a fuck tonne of unresolved, untouched traumas following events.. I was beginning to be treated for perfectionism (for which I cried after the first appointment reading the notes "perfectionism in perspective" in the realisation that this was absolutely something I had and I had no idea..
"Haha, yeah, what? Like you didn't know.." Most common response when I told people..
Well, no..
As, to me, perfectionism, or 'unrelenting high standards', it's other name, to me wasn't.
It was my normal.
It came crashing down on me that a lot of the pain, the situations I had been in, the inability to feel fulfilled even if I hit numerous goals or achievements which I would brush off and say I could have done better, the relationships I didn't get into for fear it or I wouldn't be perfect enough so would sabotage it, the passed on opportunities, holidays, dream jobs... The list goes on.. All the stopping short of feeling happy or taking a chance to be was my own doing.
Thats some pretty heavy shit.
On the flip side, it is also what has helped me to push through the most unbearable situations and not quit on myself or my abilities, particularly when it has come to work; it has helped me to achieve some incredible goals even if at the time I don't let myself appreciate them, it has allowed me to protect myself from people who don't have my best interests at heart, so if I haven't been treated well and it lowered my self worth I could identify that it didn't fit with how I deserved to be treated and I would challenge it, it has helped me in so many ways too.. Which I think is a really important thing to realise too, ultimately we develop these as protection and coping methods so identifying where it has served me too is important, it's just time to dial it down.
Of course, perfectionism doesn't just happen. It develops somewhere, likely in my childhood trauma(s) so the key was to learn not to blame myself and it just didn't go down like that.. Fast forward a few months, a few learning curves good and bad and here I am..
I had started to look into instagram hashtags to find people with the same stories, feelings etc and started to unearth a proper connect the dots and started to feel really ace about the fact I was going on to own my past, open it up a bit, take out what I need, put it back and rejig some habits and become me 2.0, excellent..
Of course, little miss impatient over here expects 2-3 decades worth of habits and pain to be changed in a matter of weeks.. Of course not. So, that is where I am right now.
I'm at the start of this journey that a few weeks ago, when I thought I had started it (which I had but kind of hadn't as I understood I have to love myself and forgive myself and was like "I totally do", I didn't) I called it my 'Unbecoming'..
Then I listened to Oprah Winfreys Soul Sunday Podcast with Michelle Obama talking about her book Becoming.. I really liked what she said about how we are constantly growing and evolving; becoming.. SO.. I've decided it's is both my unbecoming and my becoming.
I'm about to wrap up. I just wanted to get some raw feels out so that I could get some sleep tonight without thoughts rattling around my head from the state of play I am in; where I am trying to quiet my mind but my actual self and ego self are having a chat..
I had an awards ceremony today for which the company I set up last year mid post natal depression and insomnia was up for an award for The Best New Business Set Up In 2018 for Raring2go Magazine.. I AM PROUD OF ME!!!!! That was a huge achievement to make.. When I blog last year, it will be very clear why..
But, the side of me that is product of childhood trauma feels like I am not allowed to be proud of me for achieving this, that to celebrate or tell people is narcissistic and selfish, that I am the absolute opposite of humble.. That I am an Imposter and didn't deserve to do well because the business isn't quite good enough or up to the standards I hold, that things aren't going smoothly right now, so it must all be a mistake.
It's a really tough place to be in. Thanks to the work I am doing to recover I am starting to see what is happening, rationalise it and give my child self a hug and hand her back her well done, she is allowed to feel proud of herself for what she has achieved, especially in adversity.
That is where I get emotional, when I can separate myself into the two and think almost of myself as Ruby as she looks very similar to myself at her age. I think of how I talk to Ruby and how when she is sad it hurts my soul and I think of the things I tell myself and how I wouldn't say these things to Ruby, so why am I doing it to myself..
It was learned behaviour, it was how I experienced life.
So, I'm at the beginning of a long road of recovery, but so far so good, things are already changing and daily positive affirmations are doing their thing, but I am also excited and looking forward to building this level of understanding not only for Ruby but for myself too, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let myself be happy; I am the only one stopping me from doing so.
Ruby deserves a happy and healthy mum with good self esteem so that she can grow to have good self esteem, I'm so excited to be on this journey but understand it's going to have it's ups and downs but that's what life is all about and to break the chain of intergenerational hurt and instead bring healing and happiness, well that's priceless and a journey not many make, so yeah, here we go.
Night night :)
I'm afraid, with so much going on my poor blog has fell somewhat by the wayside as I have been doing the juggling of being Ruby's mum, learning who I actually am, doing the housework, dealing with unwanted situations, building, deconstructing and rebuilding a business and shifting into exploring my passions of storytelling via blogging and podcasting and mental health...
It sounds like a whole mess of crap.. It kind of is right now and not at the same time but in the most weirdly beautiful way.
Ever since becoming pregnant with Ruby I have been on this journey of learning a whole new way of life and flitting between holding on that protective armour of avoidance to get stuff done and not be bowled over by my feelings when I have so much to do and get on with and figure out... And then the other side that has been letting chinks of that armour fall away at times to let those feelings ooze out, sometimes way more than oozing..
Right now, Ruby is 14 and a half months Earthside, it's flew by in a minute and she's now walking a bit, putting on a show, gathering kisses and cuddles and just generally amazing me every single day.. Some days can be tough, but over all, Ruby is such a sassy, headstrong and independent wee toot that she is easy going. She doesn't need to be constantly entertained or mollycoddled; in fact sometimes she wants to do her own thing, but she loves to interact and play and tell me what she is doing and watching her interact with other littles and friends and family is just heart bursting, she is just amazing.
I remember when people said before I had Ruby, or was even pregnant, that you can't imagine the love until you have a child and I totally get it now. I sometimes feel like I love her so much that I might spontaneously combust. It's insane. I feel so unworldly lucky.
It's a glorious feeling and one of the few positive feelings I freely allow myself to enjoy, I never even considered this an issue..
It is only recently, after psychotherapy appointments identifying why I may have developed such severe insomnia, which I knew was not physical - It was a physical presentation or symptom of being in sheer emotional pain from abandonment, grief and a fuck tonne of unresolved, untouched traumas following events.. I was beginning to be treated for perfectionism (for which I cried after the first appointment reading the notes "perfectionism in perspective" in the realisation that this was absolutely something I had and I had no idea..
"Haha, yeah, what? Like you didn't know.." Most common response when I told people..
Well, no..
As, to me, perfectionism, or 'unrelenting high standards', it's other name, to me wasn't.
It was my normal.
It came crashing down on me that a lot of the pain, the situations I had been in, the inability to feel fulfilled even if I hit numerous goals or achievements which I would brush off and say I could have done better, the relationships I didn't get into for fear it or I wouldn't be perfect enough so would sabotage it, the passed on opportunities, holidays, dream jobs... The list goes on.. All the stopping short of feeling happy or taking a chance to be was my own doing.
Thats some pretty heavy shit.
On the flip side, it is also what has helped me to push through the most unbearable situations and not quit on myself or my abilities, particularly when it has come to work; it has helped me to achieve some incredible goals even if at the time I don't let myself appreciate them, it has allowed me to protect myself from people who don't have my best interests at heart, so if I haven't been treated well and it lowered my self worth I could identify that it didn't fit with how I deserved to be treated and I would challenge it, it has helped me in so many ways too.. Which I think is a really important thing to realise too, ultimately we develop these as protection and coping methods so identifying where it has served me too is important, it's just time to dial it down.
Of course, perfectionism doesn't just happen. It develops somewhere, likely in my childhood trauma(s) so the key was to learn not to blame myself and it just didn't go down like that.. Fast forward a few months, a few learning curves good and bad and here I am..
I had started to look into instagram hashtags to find people with the same stories, feelings etc and started to unearth a proper connect the dots and started to feel really ace about the fact I was going on to own my past, open it up a bit, take out what I need, put it back and rejig some habits and become me 2.0, excellent..
Of course, little miss impatient over here expects 2-3 decades worth of habits and pain to be changed in a matter of weeks.. Of course not. So, that is where I am right now.
I'm at the start of this journey that a few weeks ago, when I thought I had started it (which I had but kind of hadn't as I understood I have to love myself and forgive myself and was like "I totally do", I didn't) I called it my 'Unbecoming'..
Then I listened to Oprah Winfreys Soul Sunday Podcast with Michelle Obama talking about her book Becoming.. I really liked what she said about how we are constantly growing and evolving; becoming.. SO.. I've decided it's is both my unbecoming and my becoming.
I'm about to wrap up. I just wanted to get some raw feels out so that I could get some sleep tonight without thoughts rattling around my head from the state of play I am in; where I am trying to quiet my mind but my actual self and ego self are having a chat..
I had an awards ceremony today for which the company I set up last year mid post natal depression and insomnia was up for an award for The Best New Business Set Up In 2018 for Raring2go Magazine.. I AM PROUD OF ME!!!!! That was a huge achievement to make.. When I blog last year, it will be very clear why..
But, the side of me that is product of childhood trauma feels like I am not allowed to be proud of me for achieving this, that to celebrate or tell people is narcissistic and selfish, that I am the absolute opposite of humble.. That I am an Imposter and didn't deserve to do well because the business isn't quite good enough or up to the standards I hold, that things aren't going smoothly right now, so it must all be a mistake.
It's a really tough place to be in. Thanks to the work I am doing to recover I am starting to see what is happening, rationalise it and give my child self a hug and hand her back her well done, she is allowed to feel proud of herself for what she has achieved, especially in adversity.
That is where I get emotional, when I can separate myself into the two and think almost of myself as Ruby as she looks very similar to myself at her age. I think of how I talk to Ruby and how when she is sad it hurts my soul and I think of the things I tell myself and how I wouldn't say these things to Ruby, so why am I doing it to myself..
It was learned behaviour, it was how I experienced life.
So, I'm at the beginning of a long road of recovery, but so far so good, things are already changing and daily positive affirmations are doing their thing, but I am also excited and looking forward to building this level of understanding not only for Ruby but for myself too, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let myself be happy; I am the only one stopping me from doing so.
Ruby deserves a happy and healthy mum with good self esteem so that she can grow to have good self esteem, I'm so excited to be on this journey but understand it's going to have it's ups and downs but that's what life is all about and to break the chain of intergenerational hurt and instead bring healing and happiness, well that's priceless and a journey not many make, so yeah, here we go.
Night night :)
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