Ahhh so, it's the weekend again, I'm getting real good at this relaxing jazz, well, much better than i was at it anyway.. Continuing on from the beginning I'm going to go on from getting pregnant to how I found out and those heady, yet confusing early days.
I find it quite easy recalling back to the memories of early pregnancy as it was so strange, but also so magical, I've never made a human being before!! There were the normal ups, downs and worries and of course the doubts of whether she was even real or just someone I conjured up in my mind due to overwork and exhaustion. Which was very possible, I have always overworked as my coping mechanism for all the tough things in life. I was warned by my doctor last year in the wake of losing my mum that my overwork was an addiction like how people turn to alcohol or other drugs to cope and although maybe not as drastically or directly destructive, it was coming to a dangerous level where my resting heart rate and peak flow oxygen were getting affected, I've been asked to slow down.. However, like any addiction it just wasn't as simple as that and I was finally assigned bereavement counselling for 5 months which really helped me to learn about myself and why I did things; which allowed me in turn to make changes for the positive. I changed jobs, got rid of toxic people and situations and learnt to look after myself a little better but when we finished I still had a long way to go.
Getting pregnant with Little Bean essentially saved me.
So, we got up to being at work... On the Wednesday after that fateful weekend I was flying back to Aberdeen, home, to get much needed rest and to spend time with my little sister. I often take time off around painful anniversaries and this time it was for the 15th Anniversary of my dads death on June 3rd, so in the run up days I had to cram about 15 PT sessions into 1 day and 2 part days, as it had been a Bank Holiday so not everyone was around, but that's still A LOT of PT sessions to fit into those days as 10 of those were Tuesday alongside my 2 classes!!
I think I know when she nestled into her landing spot in my womb, Wednesday morning!! Why?!
I woke up on Wednesday morning ready to get my last few sessions squared away before my flight in the afternoon... Only thing being I didn't feel like I had woken up AT ALL!!! I can barely try to describe the fatigue that had hit me that morning other than to describe it like a thick, heavy wall of fog that had clearly knocked me into my bed and intended on me staying there. My first thoughts were that I must be really coming down ill with something, that I had clearly spent the last few months overdoing it and pre relaxed before going to Aberdeen (which often happened when I would be flying home) but this was on another level of tiredness, I'm not going to lie, I panicked a little.
I got up, got ready and left the house suitcase and handbag in tow and picked up my normal coffee which didn't even touch the fog. I would subsequently have a further 3 coffees by 12pm in attempt to shake it off (oh hey Tay!) but to no avail, I was then just tired AND jittery AF. I was excited to go home and see my sister and to get some time away from the guy at work, once we'd had a week break from each other I'm sure I could settle back into friends (of course that Tuesday evening still he had gave me no breathing space with texts).
I got home and when I didn't hear anything I switched and started to wonder why not, typical. I did really like him after all, given that it was so fast I had liked him that's why I'd wanted the space after being declared a mistake, a mistake he still wanted to talk to all the time and spend time with and was of course a mistake he was admitting to being attracted to, anyway I digress.. So the normal back and forth ensued and my confused little head and heart were hurting, I was getting break up and rejection feelings after 1 day, what the fuck is that?! Maybe I was due on? I didn't do the maths yet, in the past I used to have an app that tracked my cycle so I knew where I was at, but had my phone stolen in March and hadn't had it reinstalled on this phone, I'll do it later I had thought. On the first full day, the Thursday I had woken up just as tired but chose to ignore it, I was going to spend time with my sister, which I did but I needed to go home for a nap through the day I had been that tired. After my nap we went out for dinner and then decided to go out... A lot of wine later and the night continued, we gathered friends as we went out.. We had quite a lot to drink but not so much that...
I would wake up in A&E!!!! What the FUCK?!
I was still a little drunk and confused, I didn't understand why I was there and told them I shouldn't be there, I couldn't get a hold of my sister so they wouldn't let me go home until I had somewhere to go so I went and stayed at my friend Will's.. I had fallen asleep in a taxi and I wasn't waking up.. So they took me there!!! Afraid I had been spiked. When I woke the next morning at Will and Dominic's place I was mortified and couldn't understand, I hadn't been THAT drunk, I must have been spiked, but other than being really tired, I didn't have a hangover or any other nasty symptoms so it can't have been that. I got home to my sister and she hadn't even realised I wasn't there (facepalm) she laughed it off and rather than doing my normal beating myself up if I ever step a foot wrong, I just had to let it go. I still felt guilty as hell though and just like something wasn't right. Why were these things happening?!
I took myself to the gym on the Saturday morning to try and make myself feel a little bit more like myself, even though I still had this weird, tired cloud looming over me, I'd gym, swim, jacuzzi and chill. This is when the first hormonal outburst really hit.... I couldn't lift ANYTHING, I did a 30kg Hang Clean and was exhausted, light weights work and my heart rate was up and I was sweating profusely, what was wrong with me?! I tried to do lunges but they made me feel like my heart was going to explode.. Time to give up, admit defeat and have a relax in the jacuzzi (read sulk in the jacuzzi) I left the gym and walked what felt like a year home before having a nap. Again. That evening my sister and I were watching the TV and the news that London Bridge had been hit with a devastating attack upset me beyond measure, I just sat there watching my adoptive home in turmoil which brought me to tears.. It was strange watching a place I knew so well having such atrocity happen, had I not flown home, I may have been there as this was the area my friend and I frequented on a Saturday night.
By Monday, I had to address that niggling feeling that I had been a little too tired, a little toooooooo over emotional after I broke out in tears in the middle of a shopping centre at my sister about the fact that the guy didn't like me.. A bit excessive, even for me haha. I knew that wasn't normal, I get upset when things don't go my way boy wise, but that was taking the piss... I downloaded Cycles and did some period maths... FUCK... Yep, maybe there was a slight possibility.. I may be pregnant, but surely not... I told my friend Tanya as we went around John Lewis I thought there was a slight possibility.. She was my first tell... But I wasn't due on for another 3-4 days so I would bide my time and try not to freak out...
This is largely why I wanted to blog my pregnancy... In those early, early days.. It is very difficult to find information on very early pregnancy symptoms, many women don't twig until at least 6 weeks.. I know some girls who didn't twig until double that!! But I am hyper in tune with my body doing what I do so I knew something was not quite right. Something was happening.. I googled and googled until my eyes were near bleeding ( OK, maybe an exaggeration) and so many of my symptoms were matched, I knew I couldn't take a test for a few days. There are a lot of phantom feelings and stuff that women get in the hope they are pregnant, the mind is a very powerful tool and as I'm sure you'll agree, we have all done loads of pregnancy tests freaking out we may be pregnant, I know I have even though I would be on the pill or generally safe, we get the freak outs and I guess some of them are hopes that we are....
But, I can say, like my mum had said to me, you just know and I had, I just ran from it as I thought A) I don't get pregnant, it just doesn't happen to me, it never has so it hasn't now B) I definitely didn't get pregnant from that!! It was one time, I'm pretty sure he just stopped because nothing came out and anyway surely he didn't come inside me without doing a little check of situ first ((sorry TMI and not to say it wasn't any good, I just expected that to get pregnant it must be pretty monumental fireworks and rainbows and butterflies haha, it doesn't work like that) and yes naive, ignorant, yes I understand sex ed and biology just sometimes we like to feel it doesn't apply and well, lots of cheap wine and tequila at an odd old mans gay bar, thought didn't get thought clearly) C) Just, surely not...
A lot of googling later and I was repeating the same stuff over and over again.. And I was still to make some monumental fuck ups... I told my two of my best friends what I was thinking on the Thursday after having taken my first pre period test.. They were both like, naaaah you're fine, it's all in your mind, you aren't pregnant, it will show up dark on the test.. I wasn't convinced.
PREGNANCY TESTS - Not true, levels of hCG are what give the appearance or not of the lines on a pregnancy test, in the early days, there isn't a lot of it build up in your system yet, so as far as I'm aware until around 5-6 weeks pregnant, you aren't going to get a dark like on your test (when most women are figuring out) when you are pre missed period or the few days after, that line is 'grab a microscope' faint but definitely there, when you aren't pregnant there is not a glimmer of line there, I knew this!! There was definitely something there, across Weds night to Saturday morning I had taken a mortgage out to take 8 pregnancy tests haha. Each one had a line, the Weds, Thurs ones were faint, really faint, so I was OMG but not convinced completely yet.
My symptoms were heavy, the tiredness was still there but it was twinned with a horrible headache that felt like dehydration headache, I was irritable and had gone off protein foods completely.. On the Thursday, I was at home and accidentally electrocuted myself on a faulty plug and got the scare of my life!! I was so lucky I had my trainers on or I may have been a goner.. I think it was then I realised I am genuinely going to have to be careful and look after myself here if I want to keep what is potentially growing in me.
On Friday I took more tests, Friday and Saturday; I WAS pregnant. The mixed feelings were ricocheting around my head and body, was I happy, sad, scared, excited?? Yep, all those things, what the fuck was I going to do now?! I had already completely fallen out with the guy who was the dad who couldn't seem to give me space throwing his mixed signals around , now I was braced to tell him and face the likely backlash. My final test before the doctors had been on the Saturday morning before going to brunch with a friend to see if prosecco was off the cards, which it was.. So that was me. 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant... And onwards in getting the dating scan and all other appointments, my projected dates have never changed, well, they couldn't, with my non existent sex life there was only one possible time I could have fell pregnant.
*********************************************************************************
Week 4-5
SO.. That was the most long winded description of those early days and the rest is much more vague, it was those first couple weeks that were the craziest, the rest after knowing I was pregnant was crazy for different reasons. Touch wood, no more mishaps like electrocutions and definitely no alcohol.. Now I had a dark enough line, still faint, I had decided that I would go to the doctor to get my pregnancy confirmed before telling the father.. There was no point coming out with something so life changing for nothing. I had went to the doctor and was given a litmus test which came out also faint, so it wasn't just my tests, she had confirmed that I was pregnant and let me go away to consider my options although she had said she knew that it seemed clear what I wanted to do, so I appreciated that.. There was no way ever that I could ever have an abortion, not a chance. The feeling of having that little grain in there that I had successfully made a life felt magical even though scary..
I had to tell him. I bumped into him outside of work and sat him down and told him, he seemed shocked but calm and asked how I felt, there were tears. It wasn't until the next day we had a proper talk, the first of many times where we talked on his agenda (any time I want to talk I am refused, he will only talk to me when it suits him so far). He seemed supportive although visibly shaken, so I was taken aback, although he obviously would make his case for why I shouldn't do it.. Which I expected.. Part of his reasoning being we didn't know each other and that we wouldn't be together, which he thought would be a deterrent to me.. It was not. I was scared but also fully prepared to have this baby on my own, in an ideal world I would have loved to have a baby in love with the man I loved and loved me, but that was not the card I had been dealt and I always play the cards I am dealt.
He left me to think and said he would support me no matter what.. Thinking that was nice and unexpected I left feeling a little better, I did warn him I was not planning on termination.. His words had been an embellishment of the truth..
The next day at work, I was waiting for a client and an attractive member of the gym had come up to talk to me, he was always really flirty, so it was nice for the attention but I never really took him on as this is just what he does... 'Dad' comes hustling over to the other side of me and starts talking over the gym member.. I am MORTIFIED.. So rude! I don't know where to look.. The gym member says his goodbyes and later makes an apology for 'making my boyfriend mad' which I cleared up of course.. Though 'dad' may as well have come and peed around me to mark his territory again with his confusing hot and cold behaviour.
It was time. Time to tell him, we should have left the gym, but didn't, I told him I wasn't getting rid of my baby.. He flipped out, even though another PT was there.. Asking how could I do this to him? How did I expect to bring a baby into the world on my own without a dad there to support it? (later to become his party line) We weren't even together and I meant nothing.. The works. I stayed calm and told him this was my decision and if he wasn't there, that was fine by me, at no stage had I or was I ever to, suggest that we become a family or be in a relationship, I knew how baby came about and wasn't due to fabricate a relationship with someone who was in love with someone else and as it seemed not only wasn't going to be in love with me but clearly didn't like me.. I'm a strong woman and no fool, I want to be in a relationship out of love, I just had to have faith that would come in time with someone special who would have to accept me and little bean. Right now, my pregnancy and I, were the most important things in my life.. I've always had a controversial pattern to my life and any successes, so why not have the baby before finding the fairytale romance? was it in the plan? No, but this was my story.
Bye bye Daddy..... After weeks of trying to get him to give me space from his I like you behaviour but words of otherwise.. He disappeared.. For 4-5 weeks... Turns out that being pregnant was all that was needed for him to give me space, nice. I got it, although I felt wounded I would still check he was OK, I knew it would be a blow, but I was met with "no I am not OK and to be honest I don't want anything to do with you'.. A stark contrast to 'I will support you whatever way'..
From weeks 5-8 I was navigating my new pregnancy, the hormonal highs and lows and THAT tiredness, luckily, although not financially, my diary for PT was much quieter in these weeks or I would not have coped.. I was struggling to eat anything other than heavily buttered toast and cramming fruit so my diet at least minimally mimicked my normal healthy diet.. Though I was still tired and blocked up from what felt like extreme hay fever (apparently only 20% of women experience this in pregnancy) I continued to train as normal, with taking the intensity down somewhat as to not 'cook the baby' I have continued to lift weights and teach spin throughout my pregnancy and have used Instagram and research online to understand what limitations are but to see that training is still something you can do in pregnancy if it was your life before. It has been really cool to learn and I'm going to blog about it separately.
There were so many symptoms and feelings in this time and not many people knew that I was pregnant, so hiding it was funny as people just thought I was rundown and battling heavy hay fever but allergic to antihistamines which I am not.. I still had doubts that I was pregnant, it didn't seem real, I would go and get a scan at 8 weeks to check she was there.. Those early days you are wracked with nerves, is this OK? can i do this? OMG have I done too much? can I eat this? Again, the amount of studying I did was unreal, so I feel pretty strong on the subject now. Dropping from 6-800mg caffeine a day, yeah way too much, to next to nothing was a challenge but I went cold turkey like anything else I needed to change because it is absolutely worth it and I would now do all I could do to protect my baby.
Week 8 and scan day had arrived... I'd already checked on Instagram what to expect to see and braced myself for the fact that I may get there and realise I wasn't pregnant at all or that she hadn't made it so far, knowing that chemical pregnancy readings are possible and that in those early stages pre 12 weeks that the miscarriage rate is 1 in 4, which prior to pregnancy I had had no idea and was quite frankly terrifying, the pain of losing bean would be too much to bear. I'm guessing that is why the ante natal appointments start so late as so many are lost, but I find it amazing how little information is given to new mums about pregnancy in early days as although I know that when a little one decided to let go it is down to abnormalities in the DNA that means they won't make it and that is outwith the control of any mamma, though we tend to blame ourselves, there are ways that we can look after ourselves and make the journey feel a lot more clarified with more information available.. Anyway..
I got into the scan and got on the table, it was a private scan and had been a hot day, the sonographer was lovely, she asked my friend not to film until she had checked all was well, (she had allowed me to film so I could show my sister) my heart was in my ass I was so scared.
She was allowed to film. I have watched a short clip over and over hundreds of times, it is my favourite sound. On the screen, a little white dot inside a little circle. That was my baby. That dot had a strong heartbeat of 158bpm, I flooded with tears and emotion, I had made a THING a real living thing! I couldn't believe it, I was so happy and at the same time sad that my mum wasn't there to get excited. I had missed mamma bear so much, but it was my turn to be mamma bear now and I was so in love.
I find it quite easy recalling back to the memories of early pregnancy as it was so strange, but also so magical, I've never made a human being before!! There were the normal ups, downs and worries and of course the doubts of whether she was even real or just someone I conjured up in my mind due to overwork and exhaustion. Which was very possible, I have always overworked as my coping mechanism for all the tough things in life. I was warned by my doctor last year in the wake of losing my mum that my overwork was an addiction like how people turn to alcohol or other drugs to cope and although maybe not as drastically or directly destructive, it was coming to a dangerous level where my resting heart rate and peak flow oxygen were getting affected, I've been asked to slow down.. However, like any addiction it just wasn't as simple as that and I was finally assigned bereavement counselling for 5 months which really helped me to learn about myself and why I did things; which allowed me in turn to make changes for the positive. I changed jobs, got rid of toxic people and situations and learnt to look after myself a little better but when we finished I still had a long way to go.
Getting pregnant with Little Bean essentially saved me.
So, we got up to being at work... On the Wednesday after that fateful weekend I was flying back to Aberdeen, home, to get much needed rest and to spend time with my little sister. I often take time off around painful anniversaries and this time it was for the 15th Anniversary of my dads death on June 3rd, so in the run up days I had to cram about 15 PT sessions into 1 day and 2 part days, as it had been a Bank Holiday so not everyone was around, but that's still A LOT of PT sessions to fit into those days as 10 of those were Tuesday alongside my 2 classes!!
I think I know when she nestled into her landing spot in my womb, Wednesday morning!! Why?!
I woke up on Wednesday morning ready to get my last few sessions squared away before my flight in the afternoon... Only thing being I didn't feel like I had woken up AT ALL!!! I can barely try to describe the fatigue that had hit me that morning other than to describe it like a thick, heavy wall of fog that had clearly knocked me into my bed and intended on me staying there. My first thoughts were that I must be really coming down ill with something, that I had clearly spent the last few months overdoing it and pre relaxed before going to Aberdeen (which often happened when I would be flying home) but this was on another level of tiredness, I'm not going to lie, I panicked a little.
I got up, got ready and left the house suitcase and handbag in tow and picked up my normal coffee which didn't even touch the fog. I would subsequently have a further 3 coffees by 12pm in attempt to shake it off (oh hey Tay!) but to no avail, I was then just tired AND jittery AF. I was excited to go home and see my sister and to get some time away from the guy at work, once we'd had a week break from each other I'm sure I could settle back into friends (of course that Tuesday evening still he had gave me no breathing space with texts).
I got home and when I didn't hear anything I switched and started to wonder why not, typical. I did really like him after all, given that it was so fast I had liked him that's why I'd wanted the space after being declared a mistake, a mistake he still wanted to talk to all the time and spend time with and was of course a mistake he was admitting to being attracted to, anyway I digress.. So the normal back and forth ensued and my confused little head and heart were hurting, I was getting break up and rejection feelings after 1 day, what the fuck is that?! Maybe I was due on? I didn't do the maths yet, in the past I used to have an app that tracked my cycle so I knew where I was at, but had my phone stolen in March and hadn't had it reinstalled on this phone, I'll do it later I had thought. On the first full day, the Thursday I had woken up just as tired but chose to ignore it, I was going to spend time with my sister, which I did but I needed to go home for a nap through the day I had been that tired. After my nap we went out for dinner and then decided to go out... A lot of wine later and the night continued, we gathered friends as we went out.. We had quite a lot to drink but not so much that...
I would wake up in A&E!!!! What the FUCK?!
I was still a little drunk and confused, I didn't understand why I was there and told them I shouldn't be there, I couldn't get a hold of my sister so they wouldn't let me go home until I had somewhere to go so I went and stayed at my friend Will's.. I had fallen asleep in a taxi and I wasn't waking up.. So they took me there!!! Afraid I had been spiked. When I woke the next morning at Will and Dominic's place I was mortified and couldn't understand, I hadn't been THAT drunk, I must have been spiked, but other than being really tired, I didn't have a hangover or any other nasty symptoms so it can't have been that. I got home to my sister and she hadn't even realised I wasn't there (facepalm) she laughed it off and rather than doing my normal beating myself up if I ever step a foot wrong, I just had to let it go. I still felt guilty as hell though and just like something wasn't right. Why were these things happening?!
I took myself to the gym on the Saturday morning to try and make myself feel a little bit more like myself, even though I still had this weird, tired cloud looming over me, I'd gym, swim, jacuzzi and chill. This is when the first hormonal outburst really hit.... I couldn't lift ANYTHING, I did a 30kg Hang Clean and was exhausted, light weights work and my heart rate was up and I was sweating profusely, what was wrong with me?! I tried to do lunges but they made me feel like my heart was going to explode.. Time to give up, admit defeat and have a relax in the jacuzzi (read sulk in the jacuzzi) I left the gym and walked what felt like a year home before having a nap. Again. That evening my sister and I were watching the TV and the news that London Bridge had been hit with a devastating attack upset me beyond measure, I just sat there watching my adoptive home in turmoil which brought me to tears.. It was strange watching a place I knew so well having such atrocity happen, had I not flown home, I may have been there as this was the area my friend and I frequented on a Saturday night.
By Monday, I had to address that niggling feeling that I had been a little too tired, a little toooooooo over emotional after I broke out in tears in the middle of a shopping centre at my sister about the fact that the guy didn't like me.. A bit excessive, even for me haha. I knew that wasn't normal, I get upset when things don't go my way boy wise, but that was taking the piss... I downloaded Cycles and did some period maths... FUCK... Yep, maybe there was a slight possibility.. I may be pregnant, but surely not... I told my friend Tanya as we went around John Lewis I thought there was a slight possibility.. She was my first tell... But I wasn't due on for another 3-4 days so I would bide my time and try not to freak out...
This is largely why I wanted to blog my pregnancy... In those early, early days.. It is very difficult to find information on very early pregnancy symptoms, many women don't twig until at least 6 weeks.. I know some girls who didn't twig until double that!! But I am hyper in tune with my body doing what I do so I knew something was not quite right. Something was happening.. I googled and googled until my eyes were near bleeding ( OK, maybe an exaggeration) and so many of my symptoms were matched, I knew I couldn't take a test for a few days. There are a lot of phantom feelings and stuff that women get in the hope they are pregnant, the mind is a very powerful tool and as I'm sure you'll agree, we have all done loads of pregnancy tests freaking out we may be pregnant, I know I have even though I would be on the pill or generally safe, we get the freak outs and I guess some of them are hopes that we are....
But, I can say, like my mum had said to me, you just know and I had, I just ran from it as I thought A) I don't get pregnant, it just doesn't happen to me, it never has so it hasn't now B) I definitely didn't get pregnant from that!! It was one time, I'm pretty sure he just stopped because nothing came out and anyway surely he didn't come inside me without doing a little check of situ first ((sorry TMI and not to say it wasn't any good, I just expected that to get pregnant it must be pretty monumental fireworks and rainbows and butterflies haha, it doesn't work like that) and yes naive, ignorant, yes I understand sex ed and biology just sometimes we like to feel it doesn't apply and well, lots of cheap wine and tequila at an odd old mans gay bar, thought didn't get thought clearly) C) Just, surely not...
A lot of googling later and I was repeating the same stuff over and over again.. And I was still to make some monumental fuck ups... I told my two of my best friends what I was thinking on the Thursday after having taken my first pre period test.. They were both like, naaaah you're fine, it's all in your mind, you aren't pregnant, it will show up dark on the test.. I wasn't convinced.
PREGNANCY TESTS - Not true, levels of hCG are what give the appearance or not of the lines on a pregnancy test, in the early days, there isn't a lot of it build up in your system yet, so as far as I'm aware until around 5-6 weeks pregnant, you aren't going to get a dark like on your test (when most women are figuring out) when you are pre missed period or the few days after, that line is 'grab a microscope' faint but definitely there, when you aren't pregnant there is not a glimmer of line there, I knew this!! There was definitely something there, across Weds night to Saturday morning I had taken a mortgage out to take 8 pregnancy tests haha. Each one had a line, the Weds, Thurs ones were faint, really faint, so I was OMG but not convinced completely yet.
My symptoms were heavy, the tiredness was still there but it was twinned with a horrible headache that felt like dehydration headache, I was irritable and had gone off protein foods completely.. On the Thursday, I was at home and accidentally electrocuted myself on a faulty plug and got the scare of my life!! I was so lucky I had my trainers on or I may have been a goner.. I think it was then I realised I am genuinely going to have to be careful and look after myself here if I want to keep what is potentially growing in me.
On Friday I took more tests, Friday and Saturday; I WAS pregnant. The mixed feelings were ricocheting around my head and body, was I happy, sad, scared, excited?? Yep, all those things, what the fuck was I going to do now?! I had already completely fallen out with the guy who was the dad who couldn't seem to give me space throwing his mixed signals around , now I was braced to tell him and face the likely backlash. My final test before the doctors had been on the Saturday morning before going to brunch with a friend to see if prosecco was off the cards, which it was.. So that was me. 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant... And onwards in getting the dating scan and all other appointments, my projected dates have never changed, well, they couldn't, with my non existent sex life there was only one possible time I could have fell pregnant.
*********************************************************************************
Week 4-5
SO.. That was the most long winded description of those early days and the rest is much more vague, it was those first couple weeks that were the craziest, the rest after knowing I was pregnant was crazy for different reasons. Touch wood, no more mishaps like electrocutions and definitely no alcohol.. Now I had a dark enough line, still faint, I had decided that I would go to the doctor to get my pregnancy confirmed before telling the father.. There was no point coming out with something so life changing for nothing. I had went to the doctor and was given a litmus test which came out also faint, so it wasn't just my tests, she had confirmed that I was pregnant and let me go away to consider my options although she had said she knew that it seemed clear what I wanted to do, so I appreciated that.. There was no way ever that I could ever have an abortion, not a chance. The feeling of having that little grain in there that I had successfully made a life felt magical even though scary..
I had to tell him. I bumped into him outside of work and sat him down and told him, he seemed shocked but calm and asked how I felt, there were tears. It wasn't until the next day we had a proper talk, the first of many times where we talked on his agenda (any time I want to talk I am refused, he will only talk to me when it suits him so far). He seemed supportive although visibly shaken, so I was taken aback, although he obviously would make his case for why I shouldn't do it.. Which I expected.. Part of his reasoning being we didn't know each other and that we wouldn't be together, which he thought would be a deterrent to me.. It was not. I was scared but also fully prepared to have this baby on my own, in an ideal world I would have loved to have a baby in love with the man I loved and loved me, but that was not the card I had been dealt and I always play the cards I am dealt.
He left me to think and said he would support me no matter what.. Thinking that was nice and unexpected I left feeling a little better, I did warn him I was not planning on termination.. His words had been an embellishment of the truth..
The next day at work, I was waiting for a client and an attractive member of the gym had come up to talk to me, he was always really flirty, so it was nice for the attention but I never really took him on as this is just what he does... 'Dad' comes hustling over to the other side of me and starts talking over the gym member.. I am MORTIFIED.. So rude! I don't know where to look.. The gym member says his goodbyes and later makes an apology for 'making my boyfriend mad' which I cleared up of course.. Though 'dad' may as well have come and peed around me to mark his territory again with his confusing hot and cold behaviour.
It was time. Time to tell him, we should have left the gym, but didn't, I told him I wasn't getting rid of my baby.. He flipped out, even though another PT was there.. Asking how could I do this to him? How did I expect to bring a baby into the world on my own without a dad there to support it? (later to become his party line) We weren't even together and I meant nothing.. The works. I stayed calm and told him this was my decision and if he wasn't there, that was fine by me, at no stage had I or was I ever to, suggest that we become a family or be in a relationship, I knew how baby came about and wasn't due to fabricate a relationship with someone who was in love with someone else and as it seemed not only wasn't going to be in love with me but clearly didn't like me.. I'm a strong woman and no fool, I want to be in a relationship out of love, I just had to have faith that would come in time with someone special who would have to accept me and little bean. Right now, my pregnancy and I, were the most important things in my life.. I've always had a controversial pattern to my life and any successes, so why not have the baby before finding the fairytale romance? was it in the plan? No, but this was my story.
Bye bye Daddy..... After weeks of trying to get him to give me space from his I like you behaviour but words of otherwise.. He disappeared.. For 4-5 weeks... Turns out that being pregnant was all that was needed for him to give me space, nice. I got it, although I felt wounded I would still check he was OK, I knew it would be a blow, but I was met with "no I am not OK and to be honest I don't want anything to do with you'.. A stark contrast to 'I will support you whatever way'..
From weeks 5-8 I was navigating my new pregnancy, the hormonal highs and lows and THAT tiredness, luckily, although not financially, my diary for PT was much quieter in these weeks or I would not have coped.. I was struggling to eat anything other than heavily buttered toast and cramming fruit so my diet at least minimally mimicked my normal healthy diet.. Though I was still tired and blocked up from what felt like extreme hay fever (apparently only 20% of women experience this in pregnancy) I continued to train as normal, with taking the intensity down somewhat as to not 'cook the baby' I have continued to lift weights and teach spin throughout my pregnancy and have used Instagram and research online to understand what limitations are but to see that training is still something you can do in pregnancy if it was your life before. It has been really cool to learn and I'm going to blog about it separately.
There were so many symptoms and feelings in this time and not many people knew that I was pregnant, so hiding it was funny as people just thought I was rundown and battling heavy hay fever but allergic to antihistamines which I am not.. I still had doubts that I was pregnant, it didn't seem real, I would go and get a scan at 8 weeks to check she was there.. Those early days you are wracked with nerves, is this OK? can i do this? OMG have I done too much? can I eat this? Again, the amount of studying I did was unreal, so I feel pretty strong on the subject now. Dropping from 6-800mg caffeine a day, yeah way too much, to next to nothing was a challenge but I went cold turkey like anything else I needed to change because it is absolutely worth it and I would now do all I could do to protect my baby.
Week 8 and scan day had arrived... I'd already checked on Instagram what to expect to see and braced myself for the fact that I may get there and realise I wasn't pregnant at all or that she hadn't made it so far, knowing that chemical pregnancy readings are possible and that in those early stages pre 12 weeks that the miscarriage rate is 1 in 4, which prior to pregnancy I had had no idea and was quite frankly terrifying, the pain of losing bean would be too much to bear. I'm guessing that is why the ante natal appointments start so late as so many are lost, but I find it amazing how little information is given to new mums about pregnancy in early days as although I know that when a little one decided to let go it is down to abnormalities in the DNA that means they won't make it and that is outwith the control of any mamma, though we tend to blame ourselves, there are ways that we can look after ourselves and make the journey feel a lot more clarified with more information available.. Anyway..
I got into the scan and got on the table, it was a private scan and had been a hot day, the sonographer was lovely, she asked my friend not to film until she had checked all was well, (she had allowed me to film so I could show my sister) my heart was in my ass I was so scared.
She was allowed to film. I have watched a short clip over and over hundreds of times, it is my favourite sound. On the screen, a little white dot inside a little circle. That was my baby. That dot had a strong heartbeat of 158bpm, I flooded with tears and emotion, I had made a THING a real living thing! I couldn't believe it, I was so happy and at the same time sad that my mum wasn't there to get excited. I had missed mamma bear so much, but it was my turn to be mamma bear now and I was so in love.
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