Oh hey,
Wow, yeah, so, it's been a while since I have last blogged, so much for blogging all the way through my pregnancy, well, unfortunately like pregnancy itself in general life has been rather unpredictable and somewhat hectic all the way through my pregnancy and blogging just got put to the bottom of the pile.. Which maybe I shouldn't have as I find writing a great way to unload and relax (my mum used to call me the monologue **haha bitch** love you mum) talking things out can a lot of the time make everything feel much better. But when life is spiralling out of control I still see getting the computer on and sitting down as another task to fire onto the 'to do' list.
Automatically sitting down to this I feel more relaxed, so now that the majority of the running around has been done, i'm hoping to get caught up and tell the story until now, calm and less emotionally driven; how much I get written will all depend on how long it is before little miss decided to make her appearance (today I am 37wks and 6 days) we have all been convinced she would show up early, however I'm beginning to think otherwise as she seems pretty comfy in there. We shall see!
It's not long until little bean is going to be on the outside and despite a lot of stress and uncertainty it looks like I am about ready, physically, for her to be here, mentally I am shitting my panties, but just in that natural way you do because it's a big deal and quite frankly if I wasn't nervous it would be weird, cocky and arrogant haha.
Are things still tough? Oh yes.. Am i still single mamma?.. Sure am..
What i've been making sure to do especially if I get anxious is to count my blessings and realise how lucky I am, how much I have achieved and what I have. At the end of the day, life is always going to throw bad days or curve balls in my path, big or small, it's life and as long as I remember this and keep moving forward then I am good. Afterall, I have come through so much already.
So, I am going to start with that and work back, likely daily or every second day if I can so I can catch you up to where I am at and then as I become a real life mamma I can write what I am going through and learning in real time; therapeutic for me, hopefully helpful or at least insightful for you.
So where I am at today..
- I got in the flat!! So after my crazy move from London and a delay on my move in date in Aberdeen, I got into the flat. I love it, I have a gorgeous view of the beach and it is nice and quiet (bar the works going on at the moment) I have managed, with some help fro my sis and a couple of friends and some money help from my grandad to get the flat up to scratch in just over 2 weeks, it was hard work but totally worth it as most of the work I did myself across a week and a half.. It needed to be painted, fully furnished and carpeted. I of course also needed to re clean all the baby clothes as well as all of my bedding and most of my clothes and disinfect, clean, deconstruct and reconstruct prams, cots, toys, baths etc..
You know what.. I got it all done. I nested hard! It will be fun over time to put the finishing personal touches to my flat, but it is most defintely home and ready as I can be for little bean, complete with cot assembled by the bed, nursery set, pram ready to go and hospital bags ready to go.. So for that I am truly grateful, I have a home for little bean and I, dream come true.
- Finance has been a minefield, being self employed has made things a load more complicated as has still chasing my tail trying to balance them out after the mess made with my mums sudden departure and having to restart my business etc.. Falling pregnant when I did meant I wasnt quite back to where I needed to be; I thought I might be but again with things being unpredictable in life and in business it became clear I wasn't going to get it bang on track.. The Maternity Allowance system is more complicated than I anticipated meaning a rush in needing to claim Income Support which I didn't want to do.. However, short term needs must. Now more than ever I am determined that when I am able to restart my business, this is the time that everything is going to be where I want it to be and even better because it's not just for me anymore, I still want to be a success and comfortable and I can be it's just putting one foot in front of the other and taking each set back as just another lesson on my strength. I am in by no means in trouble or incapable that much is certain!!!!
- Daddy situation - Things have come full circle to the point I hadn't even blogged it yet.. I carried on trying to get him involved much to his pissed offness.. Why did I keep on?... Because I look at the mixed signals... When I am told i've been told he wants nothing to do with me yet he asks for all the scan dates, what things mean and what her name is... Well, thats interest.. I know he's not really dead on the inside so I've carried on. He did come to the 4D scans, he did show interest in helping with the names, I did meet the parents after contacting them.. However, after telling his ex about the baby and her insensitively contacting me on Christmas Day... It went back to square one, the offer of getting the car seat was retracted. The referring of little bean as his daughter, retracted. Plans to attending the birth of his daughter, retracted.
It was back to no help and quite frankly being quite nasty towards me. No help will be had until the paternity test is done. This side of things has been quite horrible to be honest, it's insulting being asked for a paternity test as it is, but I understand given we weren't together and didn't really know each other, but that I had already said that we could have one no problem for it to be said like something intended to hurt me is no need and to take back offers of help, just confusing, callous and not on. The month period I didn't have contact with the dad, I handed it over to my sister, all the anxiety based contractions and slowing of movement stopped and I was much happier; actually able to enjoy my pregnancy.. A week or two ago it all started over, he contacted me to complain about a post I made, in this complaining of course he was back to assuming the role of dad (?) all the problems came back with it so I ended up just going back to no contact, as that opened the floodgates, I kept having something more to say and the arguing got worse..
Clearly we won't get on, my sister is in charge of relaying birth news etc back and it will just have to go through the CSA sadly.. I had really hoped that we could be civil so that co parenting, which had started to seem more possible as I left London, would be easier and healthy.. But in trying to talk to him ofter, he hated it and made it clear that he resents me and will always resent me for having my baby and for telling his family that she exists. I can't fix that. That is what makes me sad. He harbours so much hate towards me because I am doing this. So my emotional responses have been labelled as me being unreasonable and difficult; not as the response of a hurt, pregnant, hormonal female just trying to understand what the fuck is going on when he refuses to communicate with me..
Maybe one day time will heal all and we can maybe be friends, for the sake of little bean.. Maybe not, maybe the resentment will always be there.. I will always feel hurt, but I don't want to carry this forever. so I won't.
I'm glad i've done all I have. I think I did the right thing by letting his family know that my little girl exists, I did the right thing trying to make him be a part of her life given there were signs of interest.. I did, as there is no one else. I can say that until I am blue in the face, but I will just have to wait for the test to come back. But obviously in so many ways I wish I hadn't bothered because it largely ruined my pregnancy and took away from focussing on the blessing because I was focussing too much on them.. Oh well, live and learn.
I'm really excited for the next chapter, to meet my little girly, to become a mother, to do all I can to give her all the smiles and happiness I can.. I have so many ideas and i'm really excited to watch her grow, show her the places I went to when I was little and teach her all sorts :) Being mum is going to be the best thing I have ever done!! I'm nervous and excited in equal measures, but I am ready!!
All of the pregnancy stuff, will be a distant memory.. Not all of it however as I have enjoyed being pregnant itself!!!
Time to enjoy the last little time of pregnancy!!!
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