I've been spending the last couple of weeks wracking my brains a bit on the best way to carry my blog, business and life forward and f*ck me it is not easy.
After a burn out first year, busting my ass to keep my head mentally above water, once thing s started to get better I felt like I needed to make some changes. I don't want to go through the motions, nor do I want to feel burnt out just to get by; I want to really enjoy my time with Ruby growing up, especially making the most of the time before she heads off to nursery or school.
For me though, this means fighting against all of my natural instincts leaving me feeling more drained from doing less. In January after finally getting referred a psychotherapist to look at my insomnia, it became clear that I am a perfectionist meaning that I am prone to burnout from chasing elusive perfections.
Everything suddenly became clear to me. Why I have never felt fulfilled in spite of completing numerous goals, beating the odds in doing well in life and work even after all the heartbreak of losing my parents and all the complications that came with it. I cried. On the bus. Reading sheets describing pretty much everything I do and how it has held me back not only professionally but personally too. Learning that as a perfectionist you hold what are called 'relentlessly high standards' which you not only hold against yourself but against others too, creating friction and breakdowns in relationships and of course work ones too.
I was devasted, being on my own and failings at work left me feeling like it was my fault, but I knew I had to start trying to look at it from a different perspective and take it as a positive. Yes, my perfectionist may has caused me some pain but it is also what has repeatedly saved me and got me through some really tough times. Where the odds have been stacked against me, my stubborn can't fail attitude has seen me pick myself up time after time when most would and could not. I've achieved some awesome things, so now it's time to chase happiness.
Of course, that is half the battle - Realising that happiness cannot be chased, it's learning that true happiness is being grateful and happy in the moment. Our snap happy selves are always comparing ourselves to others or saying "I will be happy when..." but like with starting diets, tomorrow never comes.
Anyway, why have I started another catch me up blog before going back into talking about the end of the pregnancy and my first year? I want to really take my time with those particular blogs, what I went through in those times were so intense and emotional that I don't want to rush them.
Where I am sitting right now feels like after a fire or a hurricane or something else devastating (dramatic yes). I have survived, been gifted that second chance of life and after something so terrible see the true value of what life is and should be while I am also sitting looking at the ruins of what was and thinking 'ok, so where do I start?!' It's both freeing but worldly terrifying.
I have spent my entire adult life rushing and keeping busy in order to stuff down and run away from the pain of childhood and repeated traumas, gaining more and more momentum but not getting anywhere fast. My 10 years in the fitness industry are feeling a little wasted right now; after losing all my savings to life events it feels like I haven't anything to show for it right now even though I know this isn't true.
I thought that coming back to Aberdeen would be tough, but couldn't have imagined how tough it would be, setting up a business from scratch while being a single mother when I have no prior client base. I've professionally grown to be much more suited to the London market so Aberdeen has me a bit stumped. It's difficult for me not to reminisce and compare and feel deflated when it feels like I am back at square one.
My first year, or well half year, I set up StrongMamaMoves in the midst of severe chronic insomnia and post natal depression, for that alone I am super impressed with myself looking back, but I had all these grand plans and ideas of what I wanted it to be and came to quickly realise that realistically that was going to be very difficult to achieve on my own.
For a business to be successful, you have to be passionate, all consumingly so - Which I was to start with.. You have to be able to make people want to work with you - Which I have, to extent and you can't have finance as your driver... This is where it all falls apart.
As the sole income, it was so difficult not to worry about the numbers after 5 months they still weren't going anywhere, which killed the passion with worry over how I was going to provide for Ruby; which created guilt and in turn less people are fussed about the classes because my passion wasn't shining through anymore. It sucks. I'm not very good at giving up or feeling like I've failed because it just doesn't sit well when I've found out that I levy my self worth on my success or lack thereof.
So, I decided to step back from my classes and figure out what I really want to do, but I am 31 and I have no idea!!!
I had to figure out what I was passionate about and how to make it work.. But also to be able to do that work and still have plenty of time to be with Roo.. As well as to start building a personal life.
And that is where I am now. It feels like a huge life hangover. I feel anxious but not burnt out. Lost but grateful and just a bit in limbo and I'm not going to lie I don't really like it much..
What am I doing well right now?
DATING
What I do know however, is that it needs to be done and felt. I have to learn myself again so that Ruby has a normal-ish life haha and so I can be happy. I have started dating (omg yes I know, me!) after almost 2 years of not, I've started dating someone, very early days, who has a complete different persona to anyone I have ever dated, typically I'm not one for a nice guy or an asshole, I'm all about saccharin sweet to bitter narcissistic types who are drawn to my empathy or feel like I need fixing then turn a bit sour when they realise I don't need looked after and I fear nice guys for just feeling like I don't deserve that and I guess they make me nervous; those who have ended up in narcissistic relationships will understand, as you start to question your own judgement because it is almost impossible to spot them from the offset.. so in terms of the dating side of things (should I have led with this piece of news? HA) I'm taking huge, scary but positive steps.
WORKING WITH OTHERS
I've started to find the magic of outsourcing and teaming up. I've always felt like I need to do everything by myself and that by teaming up with others somehow devalues my battle (crazy, but not when you take into the fact I have valued my self worth on my success, sob). In the process I have finally started meeting with AND reconnecting with my soul females. I've met women with similar drives, goals, struggles and humours which have taken me from a depressed husk of a women last year that struggled with all consuming feelings of loneliness to feeling like I am part of something.. I've managed to introduce most of them too to create a group of us, so that is huge!
WEIGHT AND BODY IMAGE
I've settled with my obsession with my weight and appearance. I have struggled with my weight and appearance forever with body dysmorphia from my late teens, being bullied as a kid for being skinny and called anorexic AND of course being ginger and the work and competing in the fitness industry where everything is a competition and postering. I lost the 21kg I put on in pregnancy and have sort of fluctuated between the same 2kg since. I'm not back in the shape that I will be, but in relinquishing control there it has allowed me to settle in this little weight bracket instead of severe peaks and troughs which torched my self worth (my weight is the other thing I have found I value my self worth on - I have the idea lodged in my head that no one will love me if I'm not the right shape, so sad) but I am learning and making huge steps here. I don't want Ruby too get any of these body hang ups, so im all about fixing them before she is old enough to take them on.
GETTING BACK WITH MY SISTER
Many of you who followed my journey last year know about the tense relationship I have had with my sister, it hasn't been easy.. However, we have both been through so much and dealt with things in completely different ways, we are also both quite strong personalities so it is easy for us to clash.. On Ruby's birthday in February Corinne and her partner came to drop of presents in secret but I caught up with them to come back and open the presents with us. I enjoyed Ruby and my first Christmas alone but I felt like something was missing opening presents without them on Ruby's birthday, so after 6 months apart, we got back together so to speak.
Corinne and Mark have been so helpful and spoil Ruby and look after me and help out too, so it has been going really well and I am pleased. It's not that things are different other than that now that I am out of the depths of the post natal depression it is a lot easier to manage my reactions to things, so what would normally end up in an argument I just breathe it off. It's all part of learning me again.
I struggle with my emotions, I take a lot personally and can feel like I am having an entire argument in my head at times. This is especially tough if I am going through a period of time where I am not sleeping particularly well or am PMT (which is relentless ever since having Ruby). Today, finishing this blog I have had a particularly rough morning; the first in a while where I have cried in public and struggled with Ruby not wanting to eat a proper meal and fighting naps hard and us getting soaked in the rain.. All while I get upset about our financial position after so many people bailing out on classes in one week leaving us in the proverbial. Which leads me to..
F*CK BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
Ruby's first word was 'no' and man am I glad (for now ha).. It's a word I have failed to adopt enough in life, desperate to please other people even if it means leading myself to my own detriment, largely a ENFP-T and perfectionist quality, since I can remember I have always been trying to impress people like I am not good enough as I am and it stems as far back as early primary school. When you are bullied or exposed to early trauma this can be a side affect.
Still early days in learning, messing up and failing but I am starting to get much better at saying no if I don't want to do something or won't put up with anything. The first 'no' in question probably being refusing to get rid of my baby despite repeated nudging.
Now it's looking at my most recent 'non failing', my classes. It has been a big wake up call that in business you must look after you because some people don't care if they screw you over - I say most, that isn't true, but when you are pushed into a struggle it feels like most! I'm not new to this, being self employed is tough and even more so now I am a single mum, people think you exaggerate how tough things are because it’s can be hard to comprehend it. I've had a few people tell me to go on holiday... When I am struggling to cover the basics! **facepalm**, which WILL change but right now I have to figure the path. My next round of classes will be invitation or strong referral only for sure. I got seriously burnt by setting up StrongMamaMoves but I don't regret it as I met some amazing women and babies and it worked, it is just too hard for me to run solo and keep pulling people in when I am stressed that I am not making enough.
Businesses do not work if you are driven by the money - And I had no choice to be being our sole provider. So it wasn't going to work in its form, live and learn :)
NEW CAREER
What's the dream? I had to think long and hard about this one and figure out what I am doing because I feel like I should and what I really want to do.. In doing so I realised I have always loved writing and I have always loved coming up with solutions to help other people and I enjoy building people up and realising how amazing they are (something I am trying to tell myself too!) I obviously love speaking. Ultimately the dream is to have the content to be able to become a speaker for mental health and wellness, telling my story and my personal solutions which of course involve fitness and nutrition too. It's going to be a long haul project but I am hoping that I can do something really special with it. I have a few talking engagements in the pipeline for a couple of charities that have been a huge support to Ruby and I and have a few interviews coming up, so it's safe to say that I am excited. Here we go.
RUBY
Last but not least, my little sausage. My reason. My entire world. I don't ever even know what to say when I talk about Ruby because I just want to say all of the things. This little girl rocked up and settled down into my uterus and changed my entire life from the word go to the point I really count the pregnancy as the time I have known her. I have been speaking to her since she was the size of a poppy seed, I took the kicks as little communications when they started and when I failed my driving test I remember having a little silent sob as her kicks I had taken as "It's ok mummy, don't cry" and her multiple kicks anytime we were in the spin studio and when I played her UK grime; she was born to drum and bass music in the delivery room, HA. She is my best friend.
She's now 13 and a half months and has the biggest personality and has her own mind. She is often smarter than mummy and a constant reminder of what is truly important in life.. She is a social butterfly who adores creche and playing with her little friends and anytime anyone is around she is putting on a little show, I could not be prouder.
She isn't quite yet walking, but very close, she already moves a million miles an hour when she scours a room and she only ever says mumumumum in secret if I can't here, she says "dodo daddy" a lot, much to others enjoyment and "don't do that" to mine.
Well there we go, there is a catch up and a half. Onwards to weeks 35-40 pregnancy which will be brief as I can't remember much other than my workouts being house furnishing and arguments with her dad, woo fun. The birth and Neo natal will be a separate post then I will split the post natal into an overview and hit each really tough bit with its own blog. SO MUCH TO COVER!
Loves,
Amanda
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