Wow,
I can't believe it's been so long! In all honesty I don't think anything can prepare you for motherhood, let alone motherhood going solo. Haha, I had all these grand plans of blogging all the way through like I was going to have time; the same way the snapping back didn't happen!
I adopted many, many coping mechanisms to deal with the fallout that over the years I have had to undo. Some good, some terrible, some put me in really scary places. I used to be ashamed of many of them, but in having Ruby and growing with her, I don't feel ashamed anymore. But now, I’ve shed these coping mechanisms as they don’t serve me anymore. It’s weird but pretty cool building new ones :)
I can't believe it's been so long! In all honesty I don't think anything can prepare you for motherhood, let alone motherhood going solo. Haha, I had all these grand plans of blogging all the way through like I was going to have time; the same way the snapping back didn't happen!
Now before I even start, I’m not in this for sympathy, I don’t need it, but maybe if you have misunderstood me , not really got what I’m all about, maybe it will make more sense.
Hey, I'm back.
Who am I? My name is Amanda, I am single mum to Ruby, my little snuggle muffin, baby fruit, Ruby Roo.. When I became pregnant, my whole life changed and though scary, it was the most exciting scary ever, the feeling of her company since even a poppy seed has given me a whole sense of love and purpose I never could have imagined. I didn't think I ever would either (which is what Ruby's dad uses to try and say I fell pregnant on purpose **eye roll**)
I, since having Ruby set up a business called StrongMamaMoves which is a mum and baby exercise class company which will soon have many more prongs to it. I have held nights out through StrongMamaMoves also to address the loneliness that can come with mumming. I'm worldly proud of what I've achieved with it so far having set up from scratch at 7 months post partum in the midst of some pretty heavy post natal depression, abandonment and onset insomnia where I was sleeping only 2hrs a night AND mumming solo!!
Formerly I was a busy Personal Trainer in London, working crazy hours but loving the work, I contributed to magazines and newspapers as a health and fitness expert as part of being an ambassador for the then biggest fitness company in the UK and I wrote part of the pre race prep fro the Royal Parks Half Marathon. I've done some pretty cool stuff.
I love fitness, nutrition and helping other people realise that they're doing a great job; be it in the gym or just in life in general. I partially credit using my knowledge and applying it to how I managed to remedy this depression jazz (I'm not on anti depressants) but there's a much bigger puzzle to it.
I'm a really open book, some will argue too open, but I like to write so I'm going to blog again, just about everything me, how I've got to now. How I am investing time on working on myself, my mental wellness, to make me truly happy and recover from trauma. So that I can be the happy, healthy mum that my Ruby deserves, so she can become happy, healthy and believe in herself to the fucking max. I'm excited for our life together, so all the really tough shit to get there has been worth it.
Anyway..
I'm glad to be back too as I feel like I'm ready to tell my story, but not just part of it, the whole damn thing. Single pregnancy and motherhood is just the new tough ride I embarked on but I've got a whoooole XFactor sob story to relay out, so crack out the dramatic lighting and music and I'm good to go.
Seriously though, for me blogging, writing is therapeutic. I may not be the most technical writer as I'm not formally trained, but I write as I think and I've had pretty good feedback so its how its going to go down. I'm not going to rush through like I did with writing the pregnancy bits like I was getting ready for a book deal or something; I'm going to take my time and really think about what I am wanting to write about each time.
For me. Also for anyone it may help.
I speak to a lot of people who fire me across kind words of my strength and my raw honesty when I post on my @beingmamabear_ account and it's so nice to hear, especially if it has helped someone to feel like they aren't just losing their shit. Social media is a minefield and though it has so many benefits (like being able to gain a whole new support from people you wouldn't otherwise be able to meet) it also has so many detrimental aspects. Trolls. The original thief of joy: comparison. Fake news. Fake people. Just too much fucking stuff.
Information overloads. I have to detox from my phone every now and then and even each day pop it away for a good amount of time to keep anxiety low. Anyway, I completely digressed.. I am honest because it makes me feel better, it is a release for me, what I would have told my mum when she was alive in my multiple calls a day to her (poor mum) I write it down.
It doesn't mean I don't worry I shouldn't have said something, or hide some posts from the feed; I still get 'the fear' but it makes me feel better telling people how I am really feeling. A lot of people don't like me, I care and I don't care but mainly I don't care. Usually peoples dislike of me comes from either not having got to know me properly, hating that I can carry on through the most terrible situations because I highlight their limitations so essentially I am the poster girl for fearing what you can't understand, because people consider me fake because I do smile or try my best to carry on or because I say how I feel and call bullshit. I'd expect the very same back.
As a perfectionist, it's hard for me when people don't like me or I worry if what I do or say is right or wrong but I am learning. I will go into more depth with all of this later. Perfectionism is one of the biggest things I am working on undoing right now.
So, if you follow my instagram you will have been along for the ride the last year and a bit and seen the ups, the downs and the super fuck off downs. I'm not sure if I referenced it at any point on my Instagram, but the whole reason I set it up was to be real as I know I will succeed and be happy. In showing the real, raw pain, hard times, losing my shit, asking questions, getting up, getting knocked down again and then still getting up I'm hoping to provide a little solace for someone maybe sitting in the same situation, in one of the same lows and seeing that it can get better, it can be done.
It just takes wanting to live. Wanting to take the time to learn yourself, learn to love yourself. Taking the bravery and time to break away from anything and anyone that doesn't serve you, doesn't make you happy, accepting it will be tough, accepting that you have to take support to get there, that you will have shit, days, weeks maybe months but no matter how shit the time is there is always at least one thing in the day that is good and as long as there is that one thing; there's a fight to be won.
Ruby came along on 18th February and words can't describe how much love I feel for her. There is going to be a lot of writing about Ruby. She came along, she saved my life, she became my life and she is the reason I am working so hard on my own personal development and mental health.
When she was born, like the often heard cliche, I was reborn with her. When I found out I was pregnant I knew that almost every aspect of my life would have to change and though it was and still is scary at times it is hands down the best eventuality that could have ever been.
It's going to take a sweet minute.
But the blog will make much more sense when I get started again. This blog post is a bit all over the place because I have so much to tell you. So much to catch up on, there is a lot I haven't posted on Instagram in biding my time. There are some secrets and stories I have carried with me and never wrote about them. But it's time now. Seeing how misunderstood and misrepresented and underrepresented mental health is, I feel it is my duty to step up as I'm not ashamed of all I have fought so hard to overcome and quite often those who attack me (us) are those so crippled in fear of their own mental health and lack of understanding.
I'm going to finish telling my story of my pregnancy and birth and those early days in Neo natal. I'm going to tell the story of post partum, the loneliness (now gone!!!) the post partum depression, anxiety, abandonment and of course catching you up with the dad situation. All sounds a bit low, but no, I'm also going to talk of the amazing friends I made and reconnected with, pushing against the depression and anxiety to forge my recovery, how I used exercise and food and making friends to overcome the worst and come out feeling now pretty damn good.
I'm going to go deep into all of the above that caused me to suffer severe chronic insomnia where I would sleep as little as, well, nothing at on point, but 2hrs a night for around 6-7 months, these were my darkest days and where accepting help and love from others was critical; where I had to let go of expectations of who should be there and open my eyes to who was there. About how I engaged myself in self taught therapy to overcome that insomnia, probably my second biggest achievement behind Ruby Roo!
But I'm going to go all the way back. I make no secret of the fact that I have lost both of my parents to alcoholism, as it is nothing to be ashamed of. But though in modern (and not so modern) society alcoholism is very much known to be one of the biggest killers out there, it is still seen as taboo and those who are the family, spouses or friends of alcoholics face a high fucking struggle of guilt, emotional abuse, feelings of abandonment and loss of self worth. It is devastating for everyone involved. I guess I feel that this is where my passion lies, telling this story. It takes a lot of work to undo the damage of living with alcoholism, but it can be done. I also hope that people will come to understand that addiction is a product of loneliness, perceived or otherwise too. Someone doesn’t become an addict of something without usually coming from some kind of pain. My mum and my dad both really broke our hearts but they were also amazing people, my mum was my hero and best friend and who taught me creativity, empathy and tenacity. My dad was the reason I started building businesses at nursery 😂 and was the one who instilled such high beliefs in me and my capabilities and worth that it’s no wonder I am who I am today.
Hey, I'm back.
Who am I? My name is Amanda, I am single mum to Ruby, my little snuggle muffin, baby fruit, Ruby Roo.. When I became pregnant, my whole life changed and though scary, it was the most exciting scary ever, the feeling of her company since even a poppy seed has given me a whole sense of love and purpose I never could have imagined. I didn't think I ever would either (which is what Ruby's dad uses to try and say I fell pregnant on purpose **eye roll**)
I, since having Ruby set up a business called StrongMamaMoves which is a mum and baby exercise class company which will soon have many more prongs to it. I have held nights out through StrongMamaMoves also to address the loneliness that can come with mumming. I'm worldly proud of what I've achieved with it so far having set up from scratch at 7 months post partum in the midst of some pretty heavy post natal depression, abandonment and onset insomnia where I was sleeping only 2hrs a night AND mumming solo!!
Formerly I was a busy Personal Trainer in London, working crazy hours but loving the work, I contributed to magazines and newspapers as a health and fitness expert as part of being an ambassador for the then biggest fitness company in the UK and I wrote part of the pre race prep fro the Royal Parks Half Marathon. I've done some pretty cool stuff.
I love fitness, nutrition and helping other people realise that they're doing a great job; be it in the gym or just in life in general. I partially credit using my knowledge and applying it to how I managed to remedy this depression jazz (I'm not on anti depressants) but there's a much bigger puzzle to it.
I'm a really open book, some will argue too open, but I like to write so I'm going to blog again, just about everything me, how I've got to now. How I am investing time on working on myself, my mental wellness, to make me truly happy and recover from trauma. So that I can be the happy, healthy mum that my Ruby deserves, so she can become happy, healthy and believe in herself to the fucking max. I'm excited for our life together, so all the really tough shit to get there has been worth it.
Anyway..
I'm glad to be back too as I feel like I'm ready to tell my story, but not just part of it, the whole damn thing. Single pregnancy and motherhood is just the new tough ride I embarked on but I've got a whoooole XFactor sob story to relay out, so crack out the dramatic lighting and music and I'm good to go.
Seriously though, for me blogging, writing is therapeutic. I may not be the most technical writer as I'm not formally trained, but I write as I think and I've had pretty good feedback so its how its going to go down. I'm not going to rush through like I did with writing the pregnancy bits like I was getting ready for a book deal or something; I'm going to take my time and really think about what I am wanting to write about each time.
For me. Also for anyone it may help.
I speak to a lot of people who fire me across kind words of my strength and my raw honesty when I post on my @beingmamabear_ account and it's so nice to hear, especially if it has helped someone to feel like they aren't just losing their shit. Social media is a minefield and though it has so many benefits (like being able to gain a whole new support from people you wouldn't otherwise be able to meet) it also has so many detrimental aspects. Trolls. The original thief of joy: comparison. Fake news. Fake people. Just too much fucking stuff.
Information overloads. I have to detox from my phone every now and then and even each day pop it away for a good amount of time to keep anxiety low. Anyway, I completely digressed.. I am honest because it makes me feel better, it is a release for me, what I would have told my mum when she was alive in my multiple calls a day to her (poor mum) I write it down.
It doesn't mean I don't worry I shouldn't have said something, or hide some posts from the feed; I still get 'the fear' but it makes me feel better telling people how I am really feeling. A lot of people don't like me, I care and I don't care but mainly I don't care. Usually peoples dislike of me comes from either not having got to know me properly, hating that I can carry on through the most terrible situations because I highlight their limitations so essentially I am the poster girl for fearing what you can't understand, because people consider me fake because I do smile or try my best to carry on or because I say how I feel and call bullshit. I'd expect the very same back.
As a perfectionist, it's hard for me when people don't like me or I worry if what I do or say is right or wrong but I am learning. I will go into more depth with all of this later. Perfectionism is one of the biggest things I am working on undoing right now.
So, if you follow my instagram you will have been along for the ride the last year and a bit and seen the ups, the downs and the super fuck off downs. I'm not sure if I referenced it at any point on my Instagram, but the whole reason I set it up was to be real as I know I will succeed and be happy. In showing the real, raw pain, hard times, losing my shit, asking questions, getting up, getting knocked down again and then still getting up I'm hoping to provide a little solace for someone maybe sitting in the same situation, in one of the same lows and seeing that it can get better, it can be done.
It just takes wanting to live. Wanting to take the time to learn yourself, learn to love yourself. Taking the bravery and time to break away from anything and anyone that doesn't serve you, doesn't make you happy, accepting it will be tough, accepting that you have to take support to get there, that you will have shit, days, weeks maybe months but no matter how shit the time is there is always at least one thing in the day that is good and as long as there is that one thing; there's a fight to be won.
Ruby came along on 18th February and words can't describe how much love I feel for her. There is going to be a lot of writing about Ruby. She came along, she saved my life, she became my life and she is the reason I am working so hard on my own personal development and mental health.
When she was born, like the often heard cliche, I was reborn with her. When I found out I was pregnant I knew that almost every aspect of my life would have to change and though it was and still is scary at times it is hands down the best eventuality that could have ever been.
It's going to take a sweet minute.
But the blog will make much more sense when I get started again. This blog post is a bit all over the place because I have so much to tell you. So much to catch up on, there is a lot I haven't posted on Instagram in biding my time. There are some secrets and stories I have carried with me and never wrote about them. But it's time now. Seeing how misunderstood and misrepresented and underrepresented mental health is, I feel it is my duty to step up as I'm not ashamed of all I have fought so hard to overcome and quite often those who attack me (us) are those so crippled in fear of their own mental health and lack of understanding.
I'm going to finish telling my story of my pregnancy and birth and those early days in Neo natal. I'm going to tell the story of post partum, the loneliness (now gone!!!) the post partum depression, anxiety, abandonment and of course catching you up with the dad situation. All sounds a bit low, but no, I'm also going to talk of the amazing friends I made and reconnected with, pushing against the depression and anxiety to forge my recovery, how I used exercise and food and making friends to overcome the worst and come out feeling now pretty damn good.
I'm going to go deep into all of the above that caused me to suffer severe chronic insomnia where I would sleep as little as, well, nothing at on point, but 2hrs a night for around 6-7 months, these were my darkest days and where accepting help and love from others was critical; where I had to let go of expectations of who should be there and open my eyes to who was there. About how I engaged myself in self taught therapy to overcome that insomnia, probably my second biggest achievement behind Ruby Roo!
But I'm going to go all the way back. I make no secret of the fact that I have lost both of my parents to alcoholism, as it is nothing to be ashamed of. But though in modern (and not so modern) society alcoholism is very much known to be one of the biggest killers out there, it is still seen as taboo and those who are the family, spouses or friends of alcoholics face a high fucking struggle of guilt, emotional abuse, feelings of abandonment and loss of self worth. It is devastating for everyone involved. I guess I feel that this is where my passion lies, telling this story. It takes a lot of work to undo the damage of living with alcoholism, but it can be done. I also hope that people will come to understand that addiction is a product of loneliness, perceived or otherwise too. Someone doesn’t become an addict of something without usually coming from some kind of pain. My mum and my dad both really broke our hearts but they were also amazing people, my mum was my hero and best friend and who taught me creativity, empathy and tenacity. My dad was the reason I started building businesses at nursery 😂 and was the one who instilled such high beliefs in me and my capabilities and worth that it’s no wonder I am who I am today.
Literally everything happens in life for a reason.
I adopted many, many coping mechanisms to deal with the fallout that over the years I have had to undo. Some good, some terrible, some put me in really scary places. I used to be ashamed of many of them, but in having Ruby and growing with her, I don't feel ashamed anymore. But now, I’ve shed these coping mechanisms as they don’t serve me anymore. It’s weird but pretty cool building new ones :)
I see now, how hard it was for my mum and how scary becoming a mum is, I also see that we are all learning, all vulnerable and basically all just children figuring our stuff out.
I am still struggling with PTSD flashbacks and panic attacks at times.
I still and will always suffer to a degree with body dysmorphia after developing disordered eating and dropping to just over 7 stone 10 at 5"9 as a way to bribe my mum to stop drinking.
I have had perfectionism for a long time for pretending everything is ok since a child, proving people wrong who told me I couldn't be or do anything (Rubys's dad, family, narcissistic ex boyfriends, a teacher who told me 'I know it's been tough what with your dad dying, but come on Amanda, let's face it, it's been almost a year now.. You won't get into Uni so you better start applying for jobs and college - I walked into school with 3 acceptances the next day and I have a BA in Fashion Design for Industry as well as all my fitness qualifications)
I only started to deal with and sit with the grief of losing my mum, my dad too. I often have flashbacks to HDU and ITU and the really graphic, painful, traumatic images of watching the slow, painful and not very pleasant to watch way to go that comes with alcohol abuse. My mum couldn't make the decision to turn of dads life support (even though you could hear that he wasn't breathing in between the intubation breathing) out of love and out of fear I guess, so at 15 it was me who said it was time, I essentially made that decision to turn off the life support. Like, fuck. Just.
I'm going to sit and really go through it all and just lay it out there, I think it's really going to help me be at peace with it all and now I feel like I am on my way to actually living happy (for the most part obviously, I'm not magic ha) it's a good time.
I have been through a lot. I am proud of me, that has taken me a long time. And now I look back at how far I've come and what I have overcome and I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed as I have no idea how I have managed. Instead of sitting down and letting it take me, which many others don't have the strength not to, it's fucking hard, I kept going because I believe it is well within my capabilities of living a happy and fulfilled life and now I have Ruby, I have the best reason in the world to be the break in the chain. I have and amazing daughter, amazing friends, I run my own company and I'm pretty damn good at exercise and nutrition and helping others achieve their goals and believe in themselves.
Thanks for sticking around for essentially what has been a mind map of my thoughts. :)
I am still struggling with PTSD flashbacks and panic attacks at times.
I still and will always suffer to a degree with body dysmorphia after developing disordered eating and dropping to just over 7 stone 10 at 5"9 as a way to bribe my mum to stop drinking.
I have had perfectionism for a long time for pretending everything is ok since a child, proving people wrong who told me I couldn't be or do anything (Rubys's dad, family, narcissistic ex boyfriends, a teacher who told me 'I know it's been tough what with your dad dying, but come on Amanda, let's face it, it's been almost a year now.. You won't get into Uni so you better start applying for jobs and college - I walked into school with 3 acceptances the next day and I have a BA in Fashion Design for Industry as well as all my fitness qualifications)
I only started to deal with and sit with the grief of losing my mum, my dad too. I often have flashbacks to HDU and ITU and the really graphic, painful, traumatic images of watching the slow, painful and not very pleasant to watch way to go that comes with alcohol abuse. My mum couldn't make the decision to turn of dads life support (even though you could hear that he wasn't breathing in between the intubation breathing) out of love and out of fear I guess, so at 15 it was me who said it was time, I essentially made that decision to turn off the life support. Like, fuck. Just.
I'm going to sit and really go through it all and just lay it out there, I think it's really going to help me be at peace with it all and now I feel like I am on my way to actually living happy (for the most part obviously, I'm not magic ha) it's a good time.
I have been through a lot. I am proud of me, that has taken me a long time. And now I look back at how far I've come and what I have overcome and I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed as I have no idea how I have managed. Instead of sitting down and letting it take me, which many others don't have the strength not to, it's fucking hard, I kept going because I believe it is well within my capabilities of living a happy and fulfilled life and now I have Ruby, I have the best reason in the world to be the break in the chain. I have and amazing daughter, amazing friends, I run my own company and I'm pretty damn good at exercise and nutrition and helping others achieve their goals and believe in themselves.
Thanks for sticking around for essentially what has been a mind map of my thoughts. :)
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