Still journeying back from my 38week and 6 day pregnant self and getting closer to the present. The next instalment of my blog covering the last part of my second trimester and the end of my life chapter in London after just shy of 5 years living there.
So safe to say it was a pretty big and significant part of my life journey as well as my pregnancy journey, I was nervous about leaving London, but I was also confident that this was the right move to give Little Bean the best start in life and for me to feel as settled as I physically possibly be in her early days. But still, I was pretty scared about leaving behind my London life and that grew as I neared leaving day.
Knowing I was going to be moving home, I had recently signed up to re learn DRIVING.. You don't need it in London, I shelved learning after for some reason just deciding I didn't want to sit my test 5 years ago **facepalm** I had always intended learning again... However kept pushing it back, then I knew I was moving home and would probably need it, I stumped up the cash to learn and try pass before moving home **gulp** haha...
Learning to drive in London, incredibly hard, insane if you like. Learning to drive in London, pregnant AND navigating the complications of going it alone. You're having a laugh mate. Still, I did it.. I will get back to this.....
So I had had my 20 week scan and got rather upset after it, but little bean was happy enough in there, not long after that I started to feel the magic of this little human kicking me which has become my favourite feeling in the world and I have to say that I'm going to miss her kicks when she's earthside for sure.. I imagine it was partly this that led me to decide that I would go for it and try and contact the family. Facebook was the way, daddy had blocked me a little too late; I had scoped out who to look for earlier on just incase this should happen and he wouldn't tell them.
I sent a message across to his brother. And obviously had that surge of ohmygawdwhathaveidone but I did it.
It was as neutral as I could make it just saying who I was and breaking the news that I was pregnant and it was his brothers baby, saying I didn't want any animosity and respected if they didn't want to be involved but I felt it was my place to let them at least know to be able to make the decision for themselves. I had psyched myself up for 2-3 weeks to do this..
Nothing. I didn't hear a peep. Bit of an anti climax..
So I got on with it.
Work was going well, driving was going OK I guess although my driving instructor was a little too matey sometimes, so it was a little difficult to get the grips. My hormones and the nerves of my recent contact had me on edge and my how people love to antagonise learner drivers in London!! As if the roads weren't difficult enough, pretty much everything in the Highway Code popping up just short of a Ford (that river in the road thingy).. Anyhow, I was standing with some of the guys at work on a Friday, a bit more of a chilled day and one I did less hours at Gymbox the way it went, my heart sank as I saw the name on my phone.
The brother had replied.
After a brief bit of confusion.. And a little chatting, he was obviously shocked, but also lovely. He had said he'd love to have a niece and sure his family would love to know. Well, that was a nice surprise, again not to impose myself too much I decided to hang back and not drag out the conversation. What a relief though and a great start. Though I knew as soon as daddy got wind the shit would hit the fan and I was going to get an earful.
I started to find it a bit strange after a week I had heard nothing, after such a revelation for it to be so quiet I figured something wasn't quite right, so I messaged again a week later to check in.. No one else had been told, he asked if I'd spoken to his bro, I hadn't so I thought ok, I will give him a chance to step up and tell the parental units himself. No wonder I hadn't heard from him, he didn't know I'd said.. I then said, look your parents are due over don't you think they have a right to know they have a granddaughter on the way and give them a chance to meet me and make up their own minds irrespective of if you want to be involved....
He replied saying, my parents know the situation, I have already told them. Right then... I knew this was a lie... I screenshot it, sent it back to his brother and that is when everyone else was told. Now! I was nervous.. Again I sloped off and waited for daddy to get mad at me.
So my next driving lesson was interesting given I was so pent up! To be honest, I had a lot of struggles because of my emotions and panic but at the same time picked it all back up pretty quickly, I was pretty sure I had this in the bag when it came.
Later that day, after I had sent the same first message to his sister, I received a reply, she had been told.. Again, the response I got was one of shock but warm, excited at the idea of a niece but sad that of course we would be so far away (some 11000 miles) and that of course he hadn't told them himself. So I spent a little time fighting his corner in that sense just reasoning that I'm pretty sure he's just scared and doesn't really know how to handle it.
I ended up talking to his sister a fair amount about pregnancy and motherhood and such and it was really nice, it was nice to have support there from someone who had already given birth and where I didn't always have much support, even messaging me through my next hospital trip where I had a scare because Little Bean had stopped moving so much and I panicked. Whenever I went through really high stress periods I would sometimes get bad anxiety and sometimes it would quieten little bean way down. I hated that she could feel my pain :( I did all I could to minimise my anxiety but to eliminate it was near on impossible juggling my own business, orchestrating a cross country move, trying to pass a driving test, getting ready for having a baby, trying to meet the family AND just being pregnant alone.. Oh that and I had just put myself through a new Pre and Post Natal Qualification. It was all go. I just about had my shit together.
His sister had ended up passing on his mums number, hoping that if I contacted them they may meet me and give me a chance. When I sent the message, again bricking it; much more this instance.. It was met with being read, ignored and subsequent silence from ALL round. Now I was upset. I deleted everyone thinking that my efforts were scuppered. At least I tried Little Bean <3
I heard a few days later, all was well, new friendship was intact.. What else happened, I'm walking to work, on my way for a nice breakfast and who do I bump into??? Daddy :I of course... I couldn't help it I stopped him and gave a piece of my mind.. It calmed down and we talked, all the while telling me how he wanted me to leave him to get on with it, he didn't want anything to do with us... "what's her name though?" I'm sorry?... Come again...
In this same conversation I had the revelation that he had told his parents that I had baby trapped him and had contacted them for money!!! I had something to say about this!! Especially given we had slept together once, I didn't know him to have an inclination to even think of such a thing and if I wanted money that badly I'm pretty sure I would stay in London, not have my baby and continue in my well paying business in London... No? I've made it from the floor up before and I can do it again, at least my hurdle this time comes in the form of a little bundle of love!!
I had left him telling him about the pending 4D scan and to please set his parents straight, he agreed.. then asked her name again... To which I replied "well, you don't want anything to do with her so ask yourself why you need to know?"
We met up the following week and talked things through, he was definitely a lot easier to talk to, he was showing signs of coming around, wanting to know more about Little Bean and saying he would think about coming to my final (or what I thought would be my final scan) scan, I had said that at least if he came to that he could make an informed decision, if he couldn't do it after that. Fair enough. We went our separate ways, I said my thank yous in message and we were to meet again the next week, positive steps forward.
Before then I was due to sit my driving test!! What a big fortnight!!! This was a day of a huge emotional blow out. I practised for a couple of hours before I was due to sit my test, I thought I felt surprisingly, I was really nervous but I could definitely drive.
My driving instructor was ok sometimes, but you know when you get the feeling they like you? :s He enveloped my hand before the test and was like "oh they are clammy, you must be nervous?..." **boke** Slightly inappropriate I thought, but never mind.
Once I had got to the test centre, I really needed the loo and shock horror, couldn't find a toilet... Great start, the examiner didn't exactly put me at ease, he was pretty stern, my nerves were shot. I figured I could still be ok because I knew I could drive.. But to be honest, my nerves were gone.. And once I hit that fabulous roundabout with 4 different lanes leading into it, well. I screwed it, someone was on my ass meaning I couldn't switch into a left hand lane to exit and after leaving the roundabout I was so relieved and rabbit in the headlights that I didn't transfer back into the left hand lane into running a red **oops** I knew I had ruined it, but I needed to finish it, great. I just remember holding back tears but feeling Little Bean kicking away, which made me want to cry even more. It was like she was giving me a hug from the inside saying "please don't cry mummy", I got home and I completely crumbled on the floor crying, big, actually painful tears.. It was exhausting and a build up of everything over the last few months all coming out right there, the stress, the anticipation and the fact I had worked so damn hard and juggled so much. That and that I was straight up indignant that my mum wasn't there to catch my tears, it's times like these where I revert back to feeling like a little girl that just needs her mum to give her a hug and tell her everything was ok..
It wasn't even the failing of the driving test that brought the tears, it was merely the catalyst. I only had 2 minors so had I not hit my major I would have passed, but it wasn't my time.. The stress I put myself under it would have just been nice to pass it. So maybe a little bit of the perfectionist in me coming out a little too. I still had big things to do.
My driving instructor was ok sometimes, but you know when you get the feeling they like you? :s He enveloped my hand before the test and was like "oh they are clammy, you must be nervous?..." **boke** Slightly inappropriate I thought, but never mind.
Once I had got to the test centre, I really needed the loo and shock horror, couldn't find a toilet... Great start, the examiner didn't exactly put me at ease, he was pretty stern, my nerves were shot. I figured I could still be ok because I knew I could drive.. But to be honest, my nerves were gone.. And once I hit that fabulous roundabout with 4 different lanes leading into it, well. I screwed it, someone was on my ass meaning I couldn't switch into a left hand lane to exit and after leaving the roundabout I was so relieved and rabbit in the headlights that I didn't transfer back into the left hand lane into running a red **oops** I knew I had ruined it, but I needed to finish it, great. I just remember holding back tears but feeling Little Bean kicking away, which made me want to cry even more. It was like she was giving me a hug from the inside saying "please don't cry mummy", I got home and I completely crumbled on the floor crying, big, actually painful tears.. It was exhausting and a build up of everything over the last few months all coming out right there, the stress, the anticipation and the fact I had worked so damn hard and juggled so much. That and that I was straight up indignant that my mum wasn't there to catch my tears, it's times like these where I revert back to feeling like a little girl that just needs her mum to give her a hug and tell her everything was ok..
It wasn't even the failing of the driving test that brought the tears, it was merely the catalyst. I only had 2 minors so had I not hit my major I would have passed, but it wasn't my time.. The stress I put myself under it would have just been nice to pass it. So maybe a little bit of the perfectionist in me coming out a little too. I still had big things to do.
The next day, I had re messaged the mum, a little disappointed I hadn't heard back and made a last ditch attempt at meeting them. I got a reply and we were to meet the next day. I was nervous, it would be me, daddy and his parents. No pressure then ha.
The next morning I trained 3 clients before meeting them, nice 6am start. I was progressively more nervous and hadn't slept well.. I fast walked down to Old Street from Farringdon scared I would be late but I was bang on time and VERY hungry as well as nervous. When they all finally arrived we did our greetings and sat down. They were very nice, we talked away general chitchat followed by talk about their travels, London and such and then onto the awkward talk about the pregnancy, all the while daddy looking very uncomfortable being there. They had brought along some clothes for Little Bean which was a lovely gesture, I had brought along copies of the scans I had for them to take away. They were due to leave the next day, I suggested if they could make it to try and go to the Natural History Museum before they left as it's one of my favourite places to go in London, we said our goodbyes and off they went.
It felt much better to have met them and I messaged to say thank you for meeting me and safe trip home.
Now to see whether daddy would turn up to the scan on the Friday 2 days later.....
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