I'm now at 39 weeks and 1 day.. No sign of Little Bean yet, but who knows, could be any day now!! I'm hoping to finish up to where I'm at in the next 3 posts but we will see what happens.. I'm also wanting to do separate blogs on tips and tricks I have found handy throughout getting ready for Little Bean, things I have found specific to me and my situation that others may go through but there isn't a lot out there..
I've got loads of little thrift tips, things I am yet to find out if they were helpful but are going to be time and energy saving, but also things like coping with not having parents or baby daddy, moving, self employment and the financial implications and coping with tough emotions.. But, I will do them as I go.. As much as I love to write, if I try to write too much it becomes a bit stilted. So I am writing a list of blogs to work through as well as real time.. So I hopefully have plenty to say ;)
Anyway, back to it.. 28 weeks and 1 day... Daddy's first scans...
On the day before the 4D scan it was his parents last day in London, he messaged late at night to check what time and where for the next day, I still thought he might back down at this point but who knows, I checked how he was feeling about them going home because I know whenever I left my mum and sis I was pretty bummed out.. I'm a crier haha.. I'd already messaged to wish them a safe trip home.
The next morning came and I had a spin class to teach followed by a client.. I was trying to get in enough simple carbs to hopefully get her jiggling around for the scan, but I was nervous so it was easier said than done. Once I'd finished at work I rushed along to get the tube, cutting it a little fine to get there.
It wasn't quite as stomach dropping to see him waiting there given I had seen him much more frequently lately but still awkward enough, we made a little small talk, him asking if I'd been to this clinic before, which I had, for my 16 week scan, I'd say my favourite scan. I couldn't quite believe he'd come along but glad he had.
We got into the waiting room and he sat so far away he may as well have sat out of the window, haha, each to their own. I started cracking into the ice water to try get her moving but I had a feeling she was going to do her hiding bit.
We got into the scan room and I tried to get settled on the bed and messed it up, daddy ended up being ushered over to sort the pillow for me, which felt awkward for both of us, maybe the sonographer hadn't noticed the air of "I'm the dad but I don't want to be" vibe..
Little bean was having none of it, she was hiding her face and after around 20 mins of trying it just wasn't happening, she is determined to keep her hands in front of her face!! We were told to rebook.. Making a remark of how when the dads are in the room the babies hide "maybe you should leave" she joked.. A d there's me thinking woman, it took long enough to get him here!!
Haha naughty Little Bean hiding.. We had a pretty light mood after leaving and I asked if he wanted to come find breakfast with me and he did. It was nice when we actually spent time together face to face because we generally get on quite well, as I say until he leaves and then shuts down and tells me how much he resents me, seems a shame that it's fake, I don't think it is but he won't have me think otherwise.
We chatted away, having breakfast and just talking about life in general, both of us were working the afternoon, I had a couple of clients, then was meeting a friend in Chelsea before teaching my favourite spin class of the week so all in all a pretty good but weird Friday. Of course being busy, it would make me SO TIRED too.. As he left, I said to think of times good for rebooking. And then the awkward hug as standard..
He'd seemed in a really good mood today, it was nice because it seemed positive, but unfortunately these positive steps forward usually have a cha cha back, apparently I wasn't the only person to notice his good mood that day though so I figured this was a good sign.
Come the evening no sign of a choice of time,
I managed to drag one out. But they didn't have the time, I booked it to suit myself, next week was my final week in London so I was pretty tight on time. He wouldn't flex so I left it, at least he had come to the first.
But he had went back to his odd mood, we argued. Being such an emotional person I just can't help but react, if I keep my distance I'm fine, but once I get started I want to pour all my feelings out. I really wear my heart on my sleeve. And when you're pregnant you really can't help it, most people cut you a break, understanding this, not this guy. I'm unreasonable apparently. Where in my mind I'm pretty warranted to feel the way I do after trying so hard to meet constant push back and mixed signals but what do I know...
I left it for the weekend. He'd actually messaged the next day to see how I was, which was unusually caring, I couldn't say anything back, I knew I would be hit with disappointment; the normal pattern, I would answer back and be hit with a wall of silence again. I would deal with it Monday. I got taken for dinner by my neighbour to say goodbye, it was really starting to dawn on me I was leaving London and I had even more heightened emotions. Even now I don't think it has truly hit me that I have left!
Monday arrived, 4D scan take 2. I'd messaged Leah at the weekend to ask her to come to the scan since she hadn't been able to make any since my first 8 week scan. I'd just taught my over 50s Aqua class, the ladies had got together a card and some money to say goodbye and good luck, it was the sweetest thing and such a great start to an emotional week.. I rushed off to Cannon Street and waited in Pret for Leah. I made an ill advised mix of food and drink to try and get her moving again... It just made me feel sicky in a curdly mess of orange juice, a brownie and a soya decaf (I don't know either guys). I messaged daddy to send the address, I thought if he had a change of heart the least I could do was give him a chance to be there, even though I really didn't want to see him after the weekend argument.
A message pinged back asking the time almost right away.. Unusual urgency for anything to do with me. I sent it back.. I heard nothing. Leah joined me and we headed off to the scan clinic.
We got into the scan room and I got on the bed and managed to scoot into the right place for once, like normal, Little Bean wasn't playing ball and I was asked to shuffle all over the show having to get up and jiggle around to try and get her to move, I didn't mind because he wasn't there... Then a knock came at the door and there he was, after making such a fuss about not being there, he was.
I got back on the table but she just didn't want to come out.. The sonographer shown us how she had her face buried up in the placenta, licking it, my cute little weirdo haha. She had said she had a quiet enough day that we could come back in half an hour and try again.. But we might not get the scan :/ if Bean wouldn't face us.
Off we went to Pret, I still didn't feel like eating but I was going to have to try and get something sugary to at least try get her busy enough to show her face. This was the first time Leah, my best friend, had actually met dad.. They didn't really talk, he stayed glued to me a bit like a toddler who didn't like to meet new people even though I'm the apparent enemy... He came with me to get my juice.. Which I could have managed myself. Later having Leah say that it was a shame and so strange because to look on we looked like we were together.. And a shame that it was all fake on his side.
We went back to the scan.. We'd tried everything by this point, still nothing.. So it was suggested we tried music. I casually mentioned she loved a bit of George Michael... We gave it a go, Wham! - Wake me up before you go go....
It worked!!! The sonographer was made up, apparently it's not happened before to her, as soon as the music came on Little Bean became animated and let her face show, to keep the momentum we had to keep changing the music, she also loved drum and bass.. She loves music likely because she comes to all of the Spin classes I have taught since my tummy has been home,
So she's used to Beats and I imagine it makes her happy because when I am teaching I am happy and my endorphins are going!! My little music baby.
We managed to get scan pics and I was so happy!! I got to see my Little Lady who looks like she is smiling too!! As we were leaving, I needed to go to the loose off I popped.. When I came back up, he was leaving.. He smiled at me and looked at me funny.. I asked what he was smiling at, I thought I left the tissue paper on me again.. He said nothing and just left.
After I'd went back to work, I'd sent across the pictures to daddy and I got thank you's again and not much else, like ever it went back to silence, so I decided that maybe taking a break from talking was a good idea. I'd been so excited about the scans and he'd at least come to them. Huge steps!!!
What a day and now what a collection of photos and videos of my little lady :) The 4Ds are definitely among my favourites.. But you'll find you attach memory and love to each set of photos you have along the line and it's also why I've loved blogging my pregnancy through Instagram too, to be able to go back through and read it and remember all the milestones big and small.
Now I had to take on the last of my four emotional and intensely busy days left in London!!!! It was to be intense and the best way to say goodbye.
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