So journeying back is a little tough, so so much has happened in the last 9 and a half months that remembering everything is a bit of a tall order, especially with my baby brain in full flow sitting here at just shy of 39 weeks..
What I can say is that well settled into the 2nd trimester, 14 weeks onwards, that magic 2nd trimester energy did start to creep in, however, I didn't really feel it because I used it.. I used it to boss my last couple of months in London; knowing that I was going to be going it alone in parenthood I at the very least wanted to make sure I was as ready as I possibly could be and was often met with surprise at how organised I was with everything I had acquired and quite early on. The fact is, when you are self employed, don't have grandparents for your baby and the dad isn't involved, it's not the easiest of tasks but it is also far from impossible especially with a plan and some hard ass determination.. It just meant I had to take a hit in the energy stakes whilst also balancing it in such a way that I didn't burn out, which is my signature move.. Now, I have a little bean to take care of so I needed to take care of myself to; and so the real challenge provided itself!!
Luckily, the summer lull had subsided and my ground work had paid off and all of a sudden coming into September just as my energy was coming back, so was business and thick and fast to the point I could pick who I chose to work with and let go of the flakey or stressful clients (patience is a FUCKING SKILL when you are hormonal as hell at the best of times, PT can take this to another level) and I had a great team.. I also had A LOT of classes, so all of the summer shortcomings that energy wise served as a blessing but financially sucked started to redress and better. I was excited, but quickly realised I couldn't keep up to the high volume work output I so enjoy driving at so I just had to schedule harder and be strict.. I couldn't do more than 25 PT sessions a week alongside 8 or so classes.. It was tough doing that.. But it paid off!!!!
Sitting here now 9 and a half weeks out of actively PTing and class teaching I can say how much I miss it and look back so fondly, I am truly so blessed to have had such an amazing career in London, it really is incredible. I'm looking forward to launching my classes and training up here when I am ready and hopefully can recreate some of the magic.. Well, I will, with my own stamp up here, bring some unseen ;)
Anyhoo, in amongst all the business stuff.. There were emotions aplenty, arguments with the dad, non arguments with dad, scans, scares and all of in between... And a hint of a bump.. Though it took many until 27 weeks before they sussed I was pregnant and not just getting a fat tum!!
14 weeks marked Little Beans dad leaving the gym for work.. I hadn't realised how much it had affected me and upset me that he was there, mainly because he wasn't there much so when he was there for the last couple of days, I broke, emotionally cracked.. I remember us having a pretty big fall out, one of many.. But, after he had left the gym, we didn't speak, the gym was a safe zone again and I was busy busy and happy happy..
Which took me to my 16 week scan... The one I think my sister was more excited about than me (ok, exaggeration, I LOVE a chance to see Bean wriggle and stretch ) she was always asking if she was a boy or a girl and I would get to find out!!! My friend Malcolm came with me, I was so excited I drank a little too much water and was sent to the loo extra times because Little Bean had nowhere to move because my bladder was so full, haha oops.
Angela at BabyBond The City was amazing and so patient, she let Malcolm take a video so I could so my family back home, even through they shouldn't.. I watch this video at least once a week, I'm addicted to seeing her drinking the amniotic fluid and stretching away.. I was so in love.. And found out that she was a little girl!!!! Once we got out, I sent a couple pics to daddy and got a 'thanks' *facepalm* I had like each time offered for him to come but he didn't want to.. I left it there.
Now I could go and start getting bits and pieces knowing what I was going to be having, so I was pretty excited and being able to do a little retail therapy numbed the pain of dad not caring.. I think that is what is really tough, all the way through, the little things that you get really excited about and want to share the excitement with.. The father and all the grandparents.. As it stood, I didn't have that, still don't. But I just felt the excitement and probably a little too often internalised it, leading to big, ugly cries when I finally admitted at points that it did indeed suck.
What I can say is that well settled into the 2nd trimester, 14 weeks onwards, that magic 2nd trimester energy did start to creep in, however, I didn't really feel it because I used it.. I used it to boss my last couple of months in London; knowing that I was going to be going it alone in parenthood I at the very least wanted to make sure I was as ready as I possibly could be and was often met with surprise at how organised I was with everything I had acquired and quite early on. The fact is, when you are self employed, don't have grandparents for your baby and the dad isn't involved, it's not the easiest of tasks but it is also far from impossible especially with a plan and some hard ass determination.. It just meant I had to take a hit in the energy stakes whilst also balancing it in such a way that I didn't burn out, which is my signature move.. Now, I have a little bean to take care of so I needed to take care of myself to; and so the real challenge provided itself!!
Luckily, the summer lull had subsided and my ground work had paid off and all of a sudden coming into September just as my energy was coming back, so was business and thick and fast to the point I could pick who I chose to work with and let go of the flakey or stressful clients (patience is a FUCKING SKILL when you are hormonal as hell at the best of times, PT can take this to another level) and I had a great team.. I also had A LOT of classes, so all of the summer shortcomings that energy wise served as a blessing but financially sucked started to redress and better. I was excited, but quickly realised I couldn't keep up to the high volume work output I so enjoy driving at so I just had to schedule harder and be strict.. I couldn't do more than 25 PT sessions a week alongside 8 or so classes.. It was tough doing that.. But it paid off!!!!
Sitting here now 9 and a half weeks out of actively PTing and class teaching I can say how much I miss it and look back so fondly, I am truly so blessed to have had such an amazing career in London, it really is incredible. I'm looking forward to launching my classes and training up here when I am ready and hopefully can recreate some of the magic.. Well, I will, with my own stamp up here, bring some unseen ;)
Anyhoo, in amongst all the business stuff.. There were emotions aplenty, arguments with the dad, non arguments with dad, scans, scares and all of in between... And a hint of a bump.. Though it took many until 27 weeks before they sussed I was pregnant and not just getting a fat tum!!
14 weeks marked Little Beans dad leaving the gym for work.. I hadn't realised how much it had affected me and upset me that he was there, mainly because he wasn't there much so when he was there for the last couple of days, I broke, emotionally cracked.. I remember us having a pretty big fall out, one of many.. But, after he had left the gym, we didn't speak, the gym was a safe zone again and I was busy busy and happy happy..
Which took me to my 16 week scan... The one I think my sister was more excited about than me (ok, exaggeration, I LOVE a chance to see Bean wriggle and stretch ) she was always asking if she was a boy or a girl and I would get to find out!!! My friend Malcolm came with me, I was so excited I drank a little too much water and was sent to the loo extra times because Little Bean had nowhere to move because my bladder was so full, haha oops.
Angela at BabyBond The City was amazing and so patient, she let Malcolm take a video so I could so my family back home, even through they shouldn't.. I watch this video at least once a week, I'm addicted to seeing her drinking the amniotic fluid and stretching away.. I was so in love.. And found out that she was a little girl!!!! Once we got out, I sent a couple pics to daddy and got a 'thanks' *facepalm* I had like each time offered for him to come but he didn't want to.. I left it there.
Now I could go and start getting bits and pieces knowing what I was going to be having, so I was pretty excited and being able to do a little retail therapy numbed the pain of dad not caring.. I think that is what is really tough, all the way through, the little things that you get really excited about and want to share the excitement with.. The father and all the grandparents.. As it stood, I didn't have that, still don't. But I just felt the excitement and probably a little too often internalised it, leading to big, ugly cries when I finally admitted at points that it did indeed suck.
Come 18 weeks I felt like I wanted to get away and get distracted.. Feeling like I needed a bit of positive attention and a bit of a pluck up of my ego, I'm afraid no amount of weird messages received from random men who follow your pregnancy account does that, it never ceases to make me feel a little queasy getting message after message from these men who clearly have a thing about pregnant women.. Just because we have found ourselves single in our pregnancy journey DOES NOT make us desperate and we don't appreciate being creeped on or consistently asked our due date or told we are sexy with our bumps etc, like seriously?!
Anyway, I decided to get away to Manchester, one of my soul homes (London is the other) I lived there for 2 years and met some of my best friends there who have been an epic support in my pregnancy.. I met up with my 2 friends both Steph and though I hadn't physically seen them in 6 years, it had been like only yesterday, as was floating around some of my old haunts.. It made me incredibly emotional and almost long to move back to Manchester, it has a different vibe to London, it's very friendly and just a great place to be, but to have baby, I think I'd feel lost and really, in terms of work, it would be very difficult for me to build my business there compared with even Aberdeen.. So it was a no..
I also while I was there met up with an "old flame", one of those that you know was never good for you, would never work but for some reason you're still drawn to them.. He was always complimenting me and his kisses just had me right there. I would actually just melt.. And to be honest that's what I needed, as stupid as it sounds. A little pick me up with an inevitable fall at the end.. I needed to be heartbroken over something different just to carry me forward. He knew I was pregnant, actually going through a separation himself, it was nice to just hang out with him and to have someone snuggle up beside me to watch shit tv and hold on to bump.. It was nice.. And that's one thing o have to say I have missed from all of this, not having bump cradled and held apart from me..
I got my attention, got my kisses and also got to see some of my best friends, so it was a great weekend away.. I left, suitably heart broken, crying tears of leaving Manchester and also a little bit of purposely stirring up feelings for someone that it would never work with.. I also left knowing that although I wouldn't mind attention and a bit of an ego boost,
dating in pregnancy wouldn't be for me, it just doesn't feel right for me personally.. I will just have to wait until down the line and hopefully meet someone right for me.
I can't remember whether it was the week before going to Manchester or the week after that I had met dad and talked things over, at the time it was ok, when we are face to face, we get on fine, but that's largely in him not saying what he actually means and saving it for when I have to drag then truth out in messages and getting not so nice revelations or responses. I once again invited him to the 20 weeks scan, this time at the hospital which he had said he would think about. Any time I met him he would ask how I was, how it felt,
what was happening now.. So surely I can be forgiven for thinking he is interested in the baby......
But the messages that ensued in the following days he had said otherwise. Each time we have a meeting, I tend to message and thank him for talking and for any kind words, at the end of the day, I know it is hard for him so any positives I feel should be acknowledged, I know that I much prefer positive affirmation.. However, it doesn't stick. Still hinting at how he doesn't want any part and I shouldn't be doing it... It just ends up in argument..
At the meeting he had mentioned how his parents would be over in a few weeks, for a few weeks to visit. And obviously looked very happy about this, which naturally stung as I don't have mine.. He would go on about how hard it was for him, yet at this point still refused to tell his family that he had a baby on the way.. He had support there and chose not to have it, where I had said I would love to have that same privellage.. Of course, he doesn't care about how I feel; again as I'm repeatedly told.
This is where I began my internal war, I knew he wouldn't ever tell them, he didn't want anyone to know hoping that it would all go away, I knew the real reason was because he didn't want his ex girlfriend to know..
However, this wasn't about him. Or me.
This was about Little Bean. A little girl who would be coming into the world, who hadn't done anything wrong and as a woman who has lost a lot of her family before even hitting 30, family were even more invaluable than before. Many people discouraged me either telling me it wasn't my place or that I would only get grief and it wasn't likely to be a nice outcome for me and I would only get hurt.. I was perfectly aware of this, typically, the female going to the males parents often get cussed out or generally not a nice reception.. But again, this wasn't about me, at least I could tell my little girl that if no one wanted to be involved I had at least tried.. And for his family, at least they could be aware they had a little girl addition to the family and had the freedom to make their own decision.
But also not a decision to be taken lightly, so I didn't say anything quite yet. I knew I had some time before they were in the UK, had he been from the UK I wouldn't do it, I would leave it, however literally half way across the world and due to be in the UK I would have to seriously consider taking the chance so they could meet me and scope me out for themselves even if it was to get mad. I shelved this decision for now.
Come the 20 weeks scan I had my first mini scare, I had convinced myself that my waters had broken because I had more discharge than I thought normal and wept on a darling client who took me to hospital in an Uber, I was so scared and so upset.. My anxiety throughout pregnancy left me feeling quite vulnerable at quite a few points.. All was ok, bean was ok.. But I was suitably shaken, especially as the impatient, likely overworked nurse at the delivery suite kissed her teeth, rolling her eyes at me telling me it was normal..Like I'm supposed to fucking know.
I cried at the OB, the same way I have cried at nearly every midwife appointment or doctors appointment I have had throughout my entire pregnancy. When I have to go in and tell my situation and how I'm coping and that there's no parents to share my joy I just break, every time.. It's when I truly realise how much I am holding my shit together, then I get to sit in a room where I am the client instead of the professional and just relax into "no I'm not ok, yes thank you I will have ALL THE TISSUES" blub, melt and then it's gone..
The release is immense and crying has been a huge therapy for me.. I am strong, I do hold my shit together, move forward, find solutions and push as hard as I can in adversity but my can I tell you when I stop and look back at each part of the mountain I climb, I cry when I realise just how strong I'm having to be. I'd love to have someone to love me and hug me and tell me I'm doing good or I'm amazing.. Someone to run on my team, not to fix me, be below or above me but to run beside me and just have my back.. But, they are incredibly rare.. And late in pregnancy I'm actually making my peace with it a little. Hopefully I do.. But I might not.. But Little Bean is going to be where I pour my love and ultimately she is the best thing I have ever made, I did that.
The next day was my 20 week scan. I look forward to my scans, I get to see Bean is ok.. Unfortunately for this scan I had the most impersonal, worst sonographer EVER. She did her checks, didn't really zoom out so my friend and I could see my little lady and sort of snapped answers back at my friend who asked questions. Complete bitch. Good thing I felt better.. Until she nonchalantly dropped in "oh I'm going to book you in for a 35 week scan, your placenta is low, it's fine, don't google it, you'll panic" WHAT THE FUCK.
On the way home I cried, I googled and I hated on the evil sonographer who dropped that on me and shuffled me out of the room (my midwife was furious and subsequently filed a complaint about her handling) hormones, emotions and all were high. My poor neighbour trying to settle me and placate my worries,
all the sonographer needed say was in most cases the placenta moves up and causes no problem.. In my pre and post natal training course placenta praevia is a contraindication from 26 weeks so of course I freaked.
Anyway, my placenta moved and is high. Yey.
What I learnt from this period was -
- doesn't matter your energy is high, if you max it out you max it out.
- you think you are much less emotional and more rational in the 2nd trimester **haha** no, those hormones still got you and you need to be kind to yourself and give assholes that aren't a wife birth
- screw anyone who tries to make you feel stupid for worrying about your baby, try not to go crazy with worry but ultimately you know what is and isn't normal in your body and it is most certainly better to be safe than sorry.
- if you have an anterior placenta, like I do, don't panic, lots of people asked me if I felt her kicks (many do from 16/18 weeks on) and I would get so upset and worried. I didn't really feel little bean move until around 21 weeks and even then it was sporadic, the placenta cushions the kicks.. Once you are further along with your pregnancy you can feel it and discern your own babies pattern..
- Anything your worried about, ask your midwife, if you're not too much of a worrier ask mum friends too.
It's a scary time as well as exciting this pregnancy jazz IMO!
It was a long one today!! Next up 21-29 weeks which takes me to leaving London :) x
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