Touchdown........
I was glad I had decided that my first few days should be spent as an odd getaway in a cheap hotel rather than straight into life... It was like a little intermission between leaving my London life and starting my Aberdeen one. The plan was to eat, sleep and lie about in bed watching TV.... As well as to wonder how since getting to the airport and getting to the hotel my belongings had somehow bred and multiplied...
My friend Colin was kind enough to be holding the rest of my belongings that were being shipped for me until I was to move into the flat I had been allocated. Though in calling multiple times it seemed that I wasn't going to be getting an answer as to when I could move in anytime soon as it was so near to Christmas. Typical; for me. Nightmare.
Once my days were up I gathered my belongings and sweated my ass off dragging them to my sisters flat on the centre of town which would be my home too for the next few weeks.. My sister was kind enough to let me stay in her bed and she took the sofa bed, perks of being pregnant, however to me it doesn't feel like a perk when I feel like I am imposing myself on someone.
I was in that first week settling into Aberdeen quite well and quite surprised how well I had taken my London departure.. In a way blocking it off so I didn't have to think or feel about it like some nasty break up with someone you still really loved. It was nice to be in the quiet and calm of Aberdeen with being so far along in my pregnancy.
Much of this time that I stayed with my sister was a blur and mish mash of emotions, though I had coped with moving in many ways this period of time was where I briefly lost my "cope" and ended up slipping into a deep depression. Thankfully, due to my vast experience with depression and anxiety in the past I have developed and picked up many a coping mechanism along the way, meaning that with the right balance of mental grit, open honesty, reaching out for help and finding joy and gratitude in things I can manage to shorten how long I stick in this period and stop it getting out of control by remembering that the feeling is temporary..
This to me has proved invaluable and is how, when asked, I have managed to overcome and fight through so much and carry on to still have successes and to find the beauty of life even in the deepest of pain.
You see, strength isn't learning how to cope with and deal with problems by yourself and putting on a front. It's learning to know yourself so well when to put your hand up and say, look no, I'm not ok and I'm scared and I need your support; being careful to whom you are reaching out to.. I have in the past, ok probably actually presently too, reached out to narcissists too and it's like a game of ladders, the right person will help you climb up and carry forwards, the wrong person; the narcissist, will take joy in watching you slide down a little further. But, you DO know who the right people to reach out to are and who you just WANT to be able to reach out to.. It is in this case following your head and not your heart here.
If I'm not sure who to reach out to or don't want to, that's where the mental health support is great. I have had councelling in the past and I will have it again.. Often people have a fear of going to a councellor not wanting really to open up or deal with problems, instead relying on coping mechanisms like self destructive behaviour or addiction.. Having lost both my parents to alcohol addiction I can tell you that shit ain't worth it and had my mum listened to me, a teenager, she might have been here today had she went to a councellor and not feigned the "I'm fine" while losing herself completely.
The start of me not feeling came with the arguing still between myself and the dad, you see, I'm quite the optimist at times and I like to believe I can achieve anything so I figured since he had come this far surely we could manage co parenting. The issue being here that I was losing myself and precious time in my pregnancy by focusing on him and his feelings and trying to essentially force him round. It doesn't work, neither of us were happy and I was ending up feeling hurt and anxious. Basically, I should have quit while I was ahead and let him come to his own conclusion whenever. Live and learn.
I'd ended up with a migraine for 3 days and went to call the maternity unit, someone had mentioned how prolonged headache could mean sign of pre eclampsia, though I doubted it as my blood pressure is pretty damn good! But she'd been quiet a few days so I went up when they said.
Lesson 2 here - Take a hospital bag!!! They kept me in!!!
I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't happy, I didn't have anything with me and to be honest I wasn't mentally prepared for a night in hospital, alone. I hadn't been in any of this hospital in Aberdeen since having to be in everyday for nearly 3 weeks after getting the phone call to say my mum was very ill. My sister didn't come to see me at hospital, she had went out with her older friend who I really don't like as she's a bad influence and I was left scared and alone in hospital. Emotionally and mentally more drained by the minute and hooked up to the CTG every four hours to check that baby was ok. I didn't sleep and my face was puffy from crying heavily and painfully throughout the early hours in the morning. This was it, I had hit emotional rock bottom and was out of everything. I'd been sent for a scan in the morning to check her over and walking back from it I didn't feel like me at all, quiet,
crying to myself and just feeling like collapsing, giving up.
The medical team were fantastic, they wanted to keep me in, after relaying my situation they felt I would receive better care and help in hospital but I just wanted to go home, especially since it was being in hospital after mum that has led me to feel quite so bad.
I was better and more settled when I got home and just rested. I think that everything basically came to a head after staying strong so long, this was my body reminding me I'm only human and when I remember that for some of the hardest events in my life that I have had no one there to hug or hold me and tell me that it's ok, I crumbled.. Because I believe I am a good enough person that I should have someone there to care for me to, but the sad fact is that when you are deemed strong people expect you to always have your shit together by yourself and it's sad. Yes I am strong but I shouldn't be isolated for that, often, particularly men, are intimidated by this trait too because they don't feel like I need them, like they can't do their alpha bit.. But then they aren't the right one for me because if I have to change, they aren't cut out for me anyway. I've learnt that for me relationships have to happen I can't find someone because not many people for my personality, realise that I am strong, I am independent but that there's sensitivity and a whole other side to me that is there too once I feel I'm safe enough to let someone see it.. But I do less these days after opening up and it being used for emotional blackmail.
The good thing about the hospital visit was that I have since been given hospital appointments alongside my midwife appointments, my midwife doesn't fill me with confidence, so I feel well looked after. The bad thing was that I was plagued with this depressive feeling and bad bad anxiety for weeks to the point of contractions. I managed it with going to the gym mainly and comedy on Netflix in my nest.
Christmas hit and I'd had a lovely day with my sister and Coco, a nice simple quiet Christmas, it was the least anxious I'd felt in days.. It was the first Christmas we'd spent together in 3 years, last year, our first Christmas without mum I had not made it up from London and spent it alone after landing the flu for a second time that year in quick succession alongside a chest infection after overworking.
Definite improvement, but it wasn't to last as I got ready to settle into bed a Facebook messenger message popped up from a familiar name. My heart dropped.
It was daddy's ex girlfriend. The one he was with for a very long time; the same ex who was the very reason he was hiding the pregnancy and not wanting to be involved. Messaging me on Christmas Day.
She's messaged me dressing it up as faux concern for me and seemed like a nice message from the outset, when what it really was was self indulgent messaging me to show fake support whilst also serving as a reminder that he loves her and that's why he isn't bothering, but that makes her sad.. Where in reality, if you break up with someone and want them to move on like you already did within weeks, you wouldn't message them all the time and tell them you miss them.. While you swan around with another man, jus' saying... You can tell it's not a nice message when she refers to me as bitter.. And blocks me for telling her I know she's said she was gutted and asking if her boyfriend knows she messages her ex all the time and if he does does she thinks it's fair?
Nothing untoward or untrue said. Bye Felicia...
Of course what was to follow was argumentative messages from his sister saying I had said this and said that and got her into trouble (which I hadn't and had offered across all of the messages) I was so so fed up of being put in the middle of stupid fucking arguments. Given I was the pregnant one, no one seemed to be concerned about my wellbeing for the sake of the baby, more interested in being right. I was OUT. Of course daddy ignored all messages where I asked what the hell was going on. Had I messaged the ex.. ALL HELL WOULD HAVE BROKEN LOOSE... But I didn't do that because she has NOTHING to do with my baby. Morals and logic escape some people.
Roll on a couple days and the sister had said she didn't want to fall out and then blocked me without explanation a couple of days later, this ended our friendship. The dad, I told him I wouldn't put up with being made to feel like shit anymore. I broke ties with the lot, I'd clearly wasted my time, but didn't regret trying for Little Bean. It made me doubt myself momentarily, but, I won't say anything I think is untoward and if I do I would apologise.. I think you should be open and honest at all times and all arguments should be resolved and transparent. I'm not a fan of ambiguity.
This meant I would at least be able to focus now on what was important. If there's one thing I regret it is spending too much time hurt, anxious and upset in my pregnancy. When I could have shelved all this bullshit and dealt with it once little bean arrived. But again, I did what I thought was best and it just didn't work out.
I'd after New Year sent a short message to the ex gf saying that I appreciated her reaching out and that I didn't want there to be bad blood and that I had been shocked and therefore upset at the line of messaging. It got read and blocked, which given I didn't actually need to apologise for anything, just further went to confirm that the messages were in fact loaded with selfish intent.
After new year had past and I hadn't spoken to any of them for almost 2 weeks my depression and anxiety lifted and I started to feel more like myself again. Showing the power that negativity and external stress really has on your wellbeing. My having problems feeling Bean move less ceased and I felt ready to take on the next chapter. I just needed to get into this flat!!!!
On the 3rd I got a phone call to come and pick up the keys.. 34 weeks pregnant.. It was gonna be a mad rush to get the flat baby ready from scratch.. But hey, we could do this!!!
This was probably the lowest part in my pregnancy and now that it was time to go into the flat, I had a feeling things would start falling into place. Though aware that there are going to be hard times to come, I think these were some of the hardest, but I learnt from them, felt them, accepted them and looked to grow from what I'd learnt in the time. That's all we can do really, especially as single parents, things are gonna be tough but it's learning to feel and deal with the bad bits.. Look for the positives but also accept when it is just completely shit and say so. Certainly not pushing feelings down or belittling yourself by pretending you're ok when you're not. It IS ok not to be ok and the best way to find your strength is to let other people help you even if it is just being a cheerleader for you.
I post as open and honestly as I do in the hope that it helps others who maybe feel a bit lost and I've loved when people have reached out. Not only those who have been there to support but those who have needed it, I truly believe that we should all be there for each other.. So if you have stumbled across my blog, please feel welcome to contact me, I love making new friends and love to help others, none of us are in this alone <3
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