I'm going to start aaaall the way from the beginning, well hell why not?! My pregnancy journey so far has had so many ups and downs for which all of them I am grateful for to an extent. It is such an amazing feeling knowing that this little person has chosen me to be it's parent and that the probability of simply being conceived is so slim that essentially every single one of us is a fabulous miracle! I have loved her from the minute she shacked up in my body claiming it as her own home and the feeling of amazement that our bodies can do this fascinates me every single day.
I believe that the best is yet to come. You can't handle the dizzy heights of happiness and all it brings if you haven't experienced the lows and how you handle those; I find it is often why so many people who seem to "have it all" maybe experience times of depression and can be unsure why.. When you are always comfortable in life, you aren't challenged and it's outwith your comfort zone that you grow and develop.
In all honesty I would love it if i were dealt slightly less emotionally painful cards, less often.. But, life doesn't work that way and it's all about how I deal with the situations i'm in that shape my life experience.
In the last 21 months I have had to learn to grow and cope and move through life in spite of an array of situations that would render most not willing to get out of bed, starting with THAT phone call telling me I would need to come home because my mum was in hospital and it didn't look good, following that has been a haze of pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, heartbreak and 2 family losses. However, where I still feel that I have not really addressed losing my mum properly because I still find it hard to get my head round, I have still managed to set up my PT business in 2 separate places in the cutthroat fitness industry in Central London, I get up everyday and do my thing and got myself back on my feet again.
And I intend to keep on progressing with every day i'm given an now that Little Bean is coming, I want to make sure I provide the best life for her and can inspire her to grow up a strong woman who is filled with love. :)
I've decided to tell my pregnancy journey almost like a diary, starting with how it came about, then finding out I was pregnant, early pregnancy, first and second trimester and then carry on from there once i'm all caught up.. I will do little posts on my pregnancy fitness and such as I go too :) One one night stand with a new found friend gone too far and here I am...
Anyway... What happened?...
I didn't even meet a guy... Well i did.. But initially.. I thought he was a dick.
We both worked in a busy central London gym, he was new, i'd been there the few months it had been open and was happy busying along with my clients. Most new PTs introduce themselves as there is such a high turnover of PTs to be honest it is quite hard to keep up with who is who as most will disappear within a matter of months, if not weeks.
He was attractive in an obvious way, not really my type though, but not only had he not introduced himself he almost came across as dismissing while he strutted around the gym, so I guess the alpha female in me took a little bit of a dislike.
3 weeks and not a word.. But there came a time I left the gym and he was coming in, so I introduced myself bright and breezy and he seemed alright, so maybe i'm just stubborn... I later found out he felt the same about me, so we are both stubborn. Anyway in the following week I spoke to him a bit more often and he actually seemed really nice, he'd only been over from Austrailia for a matter of weeks and seemed to be settling in ok and he worked at another gym owned by one of my friends, which was cool, we both worked a Saturday so we decided to go for coffee after work that weekend.
Neither of us clearly thought much of it, although i'm not going to lie I did fancy him, but i've been burned by getting involved at work before so it was a no go, I like it when I get the opportunity to show people places I love in London and given my friends from Aberdeen never come down I don't get the chance to indulge often.
I was late, I think he was ready to leave haha, oops.. He apparently also likes to show off places he knows and i'd already fucked up that as I got there and realised I had been before, but anyway, he likes fancy coffee, so as a coffee snob, Shoreditch I am sure would suit him perfectly. I like coffee so, em, it was good, but to me it was just coffee... We just chatted about work, bitched, the standard you do.. I had been teaching and training since the morning and hadn't had much time to eat so was starving.
I needed to eat, I didn't care if it was just me picking it up to be a lazy bitch in my flat or if I had company so I offered him to come with me, i'd been out the night before with my girlies so I was pretty tired and probably looked like shit but I didn't care, as I say, quite often I end up doing very little on the weekend so it was nice to be able to show someone around. Nothing really fancy to report here other than we talked a lot and it was really natural, I realised I had really got him wrong, he was really quite a nice down to earth guy after all.. In getting caught up in my Shoreditch tour it took ages before we actually got food, I love Shoreditch so I maybe got carried away being tour guide.
We got cake.. And gin.. Before getting real food and talk turned to personal stuff, it was becoming quite the bessie exchange (to which I later had him tell me he was using me for just that very purpose, as an empath it happens to me a lot :( ) He asked me all those things you do when you don't know someone, favourite music, food, movies, 5 year plans, 10 year plans, aspirations... Although, i really thought these questions were more of a date domain but what do I know. Then onto talk of failed relationships, of which it turns out he has only one, his childhood sweetheart and it had only been over since the beginning of the year. Had I known the ending to the night this would have been something you walk away from but I didn't see any reason to at this point.
After food, it was turning to early evening and getting cold, but we decided to do more so I picked up a jumper and we went onwards and got margaritas (mmmm margaritas, can't have them pregnant :/) There I shown him how to make a napkin rose, which seems to endlessly impress people and it's became a bad habit of mine ANY time I go out.
I was going to take us to one of the towers for drinks because when you are in London you just have to!! But when we got there, we couldn't go without reservation because of the recent attacks in Manchester, security was up.
This is the point I should have went home.
He was looking after a flat in Marble Arch with an amazing view so he was going to show me and then we could go out again, so we picked up some food en route and he wasn't lying the view was incredible, you could see all around E,S,W London, it was really beautiful. After that we headed out, I WAS NOT dressed for West London, I am much more comfortable in the anything goes attitude of the East End. Nothing was open even though it was only 10/11 ish.. We couldn't get alcohol because none of the shops around there were licensed so ended up with some random chocolate.. And trapsed onwards.. Finding some little, what looked like old mans pub and settled for that... To get in and realise it was a gay bar as we were greeted by a sea of mainly middle ages gay men and the first thing in our path was an older gentleman attatched to the face of a younger Thai gentleman.....
Tequilla, cheap wine and pouring my heart out ensued. I wouldn't say we were really drunk, but enough.
Then it was time to go home, which I didn't.. Which I should have..
And, well the rest is history. I essentially only want to tell that story as my daughter was conceived after ending up in a random old mans gay bar in Marble Arch... Of course.
I don't think either of us knew that would happen. How I felt at the time was that it had been the best non date date i'd ever been on, still do, it's not very often that you find it that easy to get on with someone.
By the end of the next day, he'd went from being sweet and saying that the chocolate was still there but he would wait for me to be there to share it with him, to him freaking out and me asking if everything was ok, to him telling me it was a mistake....
And so it began.. I told him to leave me alone, not that we could never be friends, but to essentially label me a mistake was beyond hurtful and I would just need space... Which he didn't give me.. Multiple messages, following me around the gym with puppy dog eyes.. The works. But I was flying to Aberdeen on the Wednesday so I was busy and wouldn't have to deal with it until I was back. Little did I know I would figure out much more in that next week or so.
My little 24 hour bubble had burst anyway, I'd been so happy that day and the morning after and had ended up liking him quite quickly.. And was met with disappointment. Which would have been easy to deal with if given space, instead of the mixed signals I was getting. Wanting to spend time with me, talk and text me, being attracted to me and having a great time.. But not wanting me.. Confusing, but nothing I wasn't used to..
I flew away that Wednesday.
I believe that the best is yet to come. You can't handle the dizzy heights of happiness and all it brings if you haven't experienced the lows and how you handle those; I find it is often why so many people who seem to "have it all" maybe experience times of depression and can be unsure why.. When you are always comfortable in life, you aren't challenged and it's outwith your comfort zone that you grow and develop.
In all honesty I would love it if i were dealt slightly less emotionally painful cards, less often.. But, life doesn't work that way and it's all about how I deal with the situations i'm in that shape my life experience.
In the last 21 months I have had to learn to grow and cope and move through life in spite of an array of situations that would render most not willing to get out of bed, starting with THAT phone call telling me I would need to come home because my mum was in hospital and it didn't look good, following that has been a haze of pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, heartbreak and 2 family losses. However, where I still feel that I have not really addressed losing my mum properly because I still find it hard to get my head round, I have still managed to set up my PT business in 2 separate places in the cutthroat fitness industry in Central London, I get up everyday and do my thing and got myself back on my feet again.
And I intend to keep on progressing with every day i'm given an now that Little Bean is coming, I want to make sure I provide the best life for her and can inspire her to grow up a strong woman who is filled with love. :)
I've decided to tell my pregnancy journey almost like a diary, starting with how it came about, then finding out I was pregnant, early pregnancy, first and second trimester and then carry on from there once i'm all caught up.. I will do little posts on my pregnancy fitness and such as I go too :) One one night stand with a new found friend gone too far and here I am...
Anyway... What happened?...
I didn't even meet a guy... Well i did.. But initially.. I thought he was a dick.
We both worked in a busy central London gym, he was new, i'd been there the few months it had been open and was happy busying along with my clients. Most new PTs introduce themselves as there is such a high turnover of PTs to be honest it is quite hard to keep up with who is who as most will disappear within a matter of months, if not weeks.
He was attractive in an obvious way, not really my type though, but not only had he not introduced himself he almost came across as dismissing while he strutted around the gym, so I guess the alpha female in me took a little bit of a dislike.
3 weeks and not a word.. But there came a time I left the gym and he was coming in, so I introduced myself bright and breezy and he seemed alright, so maybe i'm just stubborn... I later found out he felt the same about me, so we are both stubborn. Anyway in the following week I spoke to him a bit more often and he actually seemed really nice, he'd only been over from Austrailia for a matter of weeks and seemed to be settling in ok and he worked at another gym owned by one of my friends, which was cool, we both worked a Saturday so we decided to go for coffee after work that weekend.
Neither of us clearly thought much of it, although i'm not going to lie I did fancy him, but i've been burned by getting involved at work before so it was a no go, I like it when I get the opportunity to show people places I love in London and given my friends from Aberdeen never come down I don't get the chance to indulge often.
I was late, I think he was ready to leave haha, oops.. He apparently also likes to show off places he knows and i'd already fucked up that as I got there and realised I had been before, but anyway, he likes fancy coffee, so as a coffee snob, Shoreditch I am sure would suit him perfectly. I like coffee so, em, it was good, but to me it was just coffee... We just chatted about work, bitched, the standard you do.. I had been teaching and training since the morning and hadn't had much time to eat so was starving.
I needed to eat, I didn't care if it was just me picking it up to be a lazy bitch in my flat or if I had company so I offered him to come with me, i'd been out the night before with my girlies so I was pretty tired and probably looked like shit but I didn't care, as I say, quite often I end up doing very little on the weekend so it was nice to be able to show someone around. Nothing really fancy to report here other than we talked a lot and it was really natural, I realised I had really got him wrong, he was really quite a nice down to earth guy after all.. In getting caught up in my Shoreditch tour it took ages before we actually got food, I love Shoreditch so I maybe got carried away being tour guide.
We got cake.. And gin.. Before getting real food and talk turned to personal stuff, it was becoming quite the bessie exchange (to which I later had him tell me he was using me for just that very purpose, as an empath it happens to me a lot :( ) He asked me all those things you do when you don't know someone, favourite music, food, movies, 5 year plans, 10 year plans, aspirations... Although, i really thought these questions were more of a date domain but what do I know. Then onto talk of failed relationships, of which it turns out he has only one, his childhood sweetheart and it had only been over since the beginning of the year. Had I known the ending to the night this would have been something you walk away from but I didn't see any reason to at this point.
After food, it was turning to early evening and getting cold, but we decided to do more so I picked up a jumper and we went onwards and got margaritas (mmmm margaritas, can't have them pregnant :/) There I shown him how to make a napkin rose, which seems to endlessly impress people and it's became a bad habit of mine ANY time I go out.
I was going to take us to one of the towers for drinks because when you are in London you just have to!! But when we got there, we couldn't go without reservation because of the recent attacks in Manchester, security was up.
This is the point I should have went home.
He was looking after a flat in Marble Arch with an amazing view so he was going to show me and then we could go out again, so we picked up some food en route and he wasn't lying the view was incredible, you could see all around E,S,W London, it was really beautiful. After that we headed out, I WAS NOT dressed for West London, I am much more comfortable in the anything goes attitude of the East End. Nothing was open even though it was only 10/11 ish.. We couldn't get alcohol because none of the shops around there were licensed so ended up with some random chocolate.. And trapsed onwards.. Finding some little, what looked like old mans pub and settled for that... To get in and realise it was a gay bar as we were greeted by a sea of mainly middle ages gay men and the first thing in our path was an older gentleman attatched to the face of a younger Thai gentleman.....
Tequilla, cheap wine and pouring my heart out ensued. I wouldn't say we were really drunk, but enough.
Then it was time to go home, which I didn't.. Which I should have..
And, well the rest is history. I essentially only want to tell that story as my daughter was conceived after ending up in a random old mans gay bar in Marble Arch... Of course.
I don't think either of us knew that would happen. How I felt at the time was that it had been the best non date date i'd ever been on, still do, it's not very often that you find it that easy to get on with someone.
By the end of the next day, he'd went from being sweet and saying that the chocolate was still there but he would wait for me to be there to share it with him, to him freaking out and me asking if everything was ok, to him telling me it was a mistake....
And so it began.. I told him to leave me alone, not that we could never be friends, but to essentially label me a mistake was beyond hurtful and I would just need space... Which he didn't give me.. Multiple messages, following me around the gym with puppy dog eyes.. The works. But I was flying to Aberdeen on the Wednesday so I was busy and wouldn't have to deal with it until I was back. Little did I know I would figure out much more in that next week or so.
My little 24 hour bubble had burst anyway, I'd been so happy that day and the morning after and had ended up liking him quite quickly.. And was met with disappointment. Which would have been easy to deal with if given space, instead of the mixed signals I was getting. Wanting to spend time with me, talk and text me, being attracted to me and having a great time.. But not wanting me.. Confusing, but nothing I wasn't used to..
I flew away that Wednesday.
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