Hey everyone,
So I'm jumping a little of schedule with the blog posts here with just feeling a little bothered by the news this weekend.
Well, no, often, but for some reason the news of another person in the spotlight taking their lives this weekend in the form of Mike Thalassitis, known in the press as 'Muggy Mike', it just struck a little bit of a nerve with me. A couple of weeks ago it was Keith, frontman of The Prodigy, there was of course Sophie Gratton another Love Islander, but many other famous faces that have lost their lives in ill mental health.
Yet, it is still downplayed, misunderstood and often faced with anger and criticism; likely from those who have not yet been touched by ill mental health, yet.
I say yet, as, as it stands 1 in 4 of us will be affected by mental health issues at some point in our lives, meaning that unless you have a family of two and never step outside then it is likely that you know a few people that are struggling with theirs.
If it hasn't touched you personally it can often be quite difficult to spot it in others as it just doesn't cross your radar and that is ok, but there are ways to become more aware or at the very least a little more mindful of others behaviour, if not your own, in being careful with things you can say.
It is bandied around a lot to 'be careful of what you say to others as you never know what battles someone may be going through'.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult in this day and age to avoid trolls, nasty words, criticism and judgement so it is almost seeming like a minefield to navigate for EVERYONE to get through without being made to feel like poo at points. Where social media and the internet are absolutely brilliant and we are very lucky to have such incredible technology to help us to communicate with people, build businesses, share our special moments - it is also a place where a large amount of people come to abuse it by spreading hate, trolling people, stalking, grooming meaghhh the list goes on. It is terrifying.
How are we going to help more people to feel like they don't have to give up?
Struggling with your mental health is terrifying. I often found myself in the past worrying that one day it was going to get me. What do I mean?
Bouts of depression can creep up on you, you can feel great one week and then another you have no idea how you are going to get out of bed.
Mental health can affect anyone, it has no stigma unlike us, it doesn't care how you look, how much money you make, how many people love you it can happen to anyone. Often people have suffered traumas you may be unaware of and their way of coping is to look fabulous, go out and be busy and successful or maybe they go out and date around and then get judged for putting it about, maybe they are quite loud and opinionated or maybe even funny, sometimes maybe even they come across as mean and pissy. I have been EVERY single one of these descriptions above. At the height of my pain at the worst of my mums drinking and subsequent death I worked hard, I exercised hard, I looked after my appearance, I looked like I was having a great time. At the same time, I was drinking too much at the weekends and smoking, passing out drunk, getting myself in dangerous situations - I have been sexually abused more than once, I hated myself and I valued my self worth at next to nothing; I believed that because my parents didn't believe we were worth living for that obviously I wasn't. I got into relationships with narcissists who did their best to push me to the edge, I subconsciously believed I deserved this.
Some of you know this, very few granted. Some of you have witnessed me as a hot mess, many have judged me in this time, but not many knew why this was going on.
These behaviours are actions of someone in a lot of mental and emotional pain. The media feeds on this shit. It makes me sad watching these reality celebs being part of media circus and their fragile mental health being paraded for money, many will say they know what they are doing or don't deserve sympathy, the same people who have the same understanding of me. I resonate hard with this stuff because you work hard building a persona that you don't care and you don't get into relationships or get into messy ones because you enjoy the drama, but that's not true, it's conditioned or learned behaviour or it's behaviour in. retaliation to pain and relation to self worth. Same goes for addiction and plastic surgery and other alterations.
"I will be happy if/when.....", starving for acceptance and love and of course these behaviours are often met with the opposite and the trolling just adds fuel to the self hate and then new levels of trying are pushed out and new lows are reached.
When Robin Williams died, it hurt me as not only was he a phenomenal man but he was also the example of pushing for greater and greater achievements to still not feel fulfilled. Perfectionism. I keep mentioning it and I WILL go into it into greater detail for a bit more understanding around it. Perfectionism is conditional happiness, it is not a good thing. My advice is, if you are wanting to lead a happy life it must start with you, not a career goal, a body goal or a relationship goal, but taking the time out to figure you out. To figure out what it is that you are unhappy with and start learning to forgive yourself for the coping mechanisms you have acquired that have helped you to carry you thus far.. They have carried you. So what they weren't the best methods?! So what people judge the shit out of you?! You did what you felt you needed to do at the time.. Now they don't serve you, leave them for what they are, forgive yourself and start working on your new ones.
Making this commitment to myself when I fell pregnant was the best gift I ever gave myself. I was to be the break in the chain. I wasn't drinking every day like my parents but I binge drank on a Friday to a point I hated myself and I wasn't admitting to mysef that I wasn't ok.
I was given the gift of a baby, something I never dreamt was actually ever going to happen for me, I had no idea how I was going to do it, I just knew I was going to make it work and I was going to do everything in my power to heal myself from the hurts of my past, somehow. I hadn't anticipated how hard post partum was going to be but I didn't force how it was going to pan out either.
My daughter is my world, she is that joy I see every damn day that reminds me that life is incredible, that no matter how low my mood was or how bad my anxiety or insomnia was, she shown me just how much of a gift life is and that I have the chance to relearn an entire new psyche and set my own family traditions, trends and life. But I have to work hard continually on it, I'm not depressed, but I am embarking on new territory everyday on top of learning as a parent as I learn what it is to feel secure, feel loved and not live a weird life of emotional fuckery that comes with life with an alcoholic.
I was never going to become that, I fear drinking more than 3 times in a week, so if I have a few social engagements in one week (LOL rare) if I have even one glass on 3 separate nights I start to freak out that I have a problem. It just so high up on my radar. But I don't know what it is like to have a 'normal family life'.. So that to me, is unchartered territory, so finding a partner to have a family with, well, its going to be interesting to see how that comes about, it will, but it'd going to take a lot of work for me to get comfortable with.
That's a whole other story. Anyway, thats my $0,02 on that.. Almost 2hours of rambling.. Below are some things to consider if you may know someone going through depression or are going through it yourself, this is some of how I worked through my Post Partum/Situational depression last year.
So I'm jumping a little of schedule with the blog posts here with just feeling a little bothered by the news this weekend.
Well, no, often, but for some reason the news of another person in the spotlight taking their lives this weekend in the form of Mike Thalassitis, known in the press as 'Muggy Mike', it just struck a little bit of a nerve with me. A couple of weeks ago it was Keith, frontman of The Prodigy, there was of course Sophie Gratton another Love Islander, but many other famous faces that have lost their lives in ill mental health.
Yet, it is still downplayed, misunderstood and often faced with anger and criticism; likely from those who have not yet been touched by ill mental health, yet.
I say yet, as, as it stands 1 in 4 of us will be affected by mental health issues at some point in our lives, meaning that unless you have a family of two and never step outside then it is likely that you know a few people that are struggling with theirs.
If it hasn't touched you personally it can often be quite difficult to spot it in others as it just doesn't cross your radar and that is ok, but there are ways to become more aware or at the very least a little more mindful of others behaviour, if not your own, in being careful with things you can say.
It is bandied around a lot to 'be careful of what you say to others as you never know what battles someone may be going through'.
Unfortunately, it is very difficult in this day and age to avoid trolls, nasty words, criticism and judgement so it is almost seeming like a minefield to navigate for EVERYONE to get through without being made to feel like poo at points. Where social media and the internet are absolutely brilliant and we are very lucky to have such incredible technology to help us to communicate with people, build businesses, share our special moments - it is also a place where a large amount of people come to abuse it by spreading hate, trolling people, stalking, grooming meaghhh the list goes on. It is terrifying.
How are we going to help more people to feel like they don't have to give up?
Struggling with your mental health is terrifying. I often found myself in the past worrying that one day it was going to get me. What do I mean?
Bouts of depression can creep up on you, you can feel great one week and then another you have no idea how you are going to get out of bed.
Mental health can affect anyone, it has no stigma unlike us, it doesn't care how you look, how much money you make, how many people love you it can happen to anyone. Often people have suffered traumas you may be unaware of and their way of coping is to look fabulous, go out and be busy and successful or maybe they go out and date around and then get judged for putting it about, maybe they are quite loud and opinionated or maybe even funny, sometimes maybe even they come across as mean and pissy. I have been EVERY single one of these descriptions above. At the height of my pain at the worst of my mums drinking and subsequent death I worked hard, I exercised hard, I looked after my appearance, I looked like I was having a great time. At the same time, I was drinking too much at the weekends and smoking, passing out drunk, getting myself in dangerous situations - I have been sexually abused more than once, I hated myself and I valued my self worth at next to nothing; I believed that because my parents didn't believe we were worth living for that obviously I wasn't. I got into relationships with narcissists who did their best to push me to the edge, I subconsciously believed I deserved this.
Some of you know this, very few granted. Some of you have witnessed me as a hot mess, many have judged me in this time, but not many knew why this was going on.
These behaviours are actions of someone in a lot of mental and emotional pain. The media feeds on this shit. It makes me sad watching these reality celebs being part of media circus and their fragile mental health being paraded for money, many will say they know what they are doing or don't deserve sympathy, the same people who have the same understanding of me. I resonate hard with this stuff because you work hard building a persona that you don't care and you don't get into relationships or get into messy ones because you enjoy the drama, but that's not true, it's conditioned or learned behaviour or it's behaviour in. retaliation to pain and relation to self worth. Same goes for addiction and plastic surgery and other alterations.
"I will be happy if/when.....", starving for acceptance and love and of course these behaviours are often met with the opposite and the trolling just adds fuel to the self hate and then new levels of trying are pushed out and new lows are reached.
When Robin Williams died, it hurt me as not only was he a phenomenal man but he was also the example of pushing for greater and greater achievements to still not feel fulfilled. Perfectionism. I keep mentioning it and I WILL go into it into greater detail for a bit more understanding around it. Perfectionism is conditional happiness, it is not a good thing. My advice is, if you are wanting to lead a happy life it must start with you, not a career goal, a body goal or a relationship goal, but taking the time out to figure you out. To figure out what it is that you are unhappy with and start learning to forgive yourself for the coping mechanisms you have acquired that have helped you to carry you thus far.. They have carried you. So what they weren't the best methods?! So what people judge the shit out of you?! You did what you felt you needed to do at the time.. Now they don't serve you, leave them for what they are, forgive yourself and start working on your new ones.
Making this commitment to myself when I fell pregnant was the best gift I ever gave myself. I was to be the break in the chain. I wasn't drinking every day like my parents but I binge drank on a Friday to a point I hated myself and I wasn't admitting to mysef that I wasn't ok.
I was given the gift of a baby, something I never dreamt was actually ever going to happen for me, I had no idea how I was going to do it, I just knew I was going to make it work and I was going to do everything in my power to heal myself from the hurts of my past, somehow. I hadn't anticipated how hard post partum was going to be but I didn't force how it was going to pan out either.
My daughter is my world, she is that joy I see every damn day that reminds me that life is incredible, that no matter how low my mood was or how bad my anxiety or insomnia was, she shown me just how much of a gift life is and that I have the chance to relearn an entire new psyche and set my own family traditions, trends and life. But I have to work hard continually on it, I'm not depressed, but I am embarking on new territory everyday on top of learning as a parent as I learn what it is to feel secure, feel loved and not live a weird life of emotional fuckery that comes with life with an alcoholic.
I was never going to become that, I fear drinking more than 3 times in a week, so if I have a few social engagements in one week (LOL rare) if I have even one glass on 3 separate nights I start to freak out that I have a problem. It just so high up on my radar. But I don't know what it is like to have a 'normal family life'.. So that to me, is unchartered territory, so finding a partner to have a family with, well, its going to be interesting to see how that comes about, it will, but it'd going to take a lot of work for me to get comfortable with.
That's a whole other story. Anyway, thats my $0,02 on that.. Almost 2hours of rambling.. Below are some things to consider if you may know someone going through depression or are going through it yourself, this is some of how I worked through my Post Partum/Situational depression last year.
- Watch out for your 'strong friends', your strong friends, like the people in the media that have sadly lost their fight with mental help are great at putting on a brave face and carrying on with things. As one of these people, I have found that I have had the fact that I get up, go to work, carry on used to tell me that I am a liar, a fake and faced emotional abuse in the very worst depths of my mental health - All because they did not understand that the way I cope with my ill mental health is to overwork and find purpose.. Which moves me on to..
- If a friend or family member is acting differently, skipping arrangements or keeping themselves busy but getting frazzled and short, check everything is ok. Its not always going to be easy and they may not want to open up right then, don't get frustrated, all you need to do is provide the reassurance that if you are needed as an ear, you are there. Don't ask once and give up, check in again later - With my Aunty Diane, my family friend who was the kind friend who held me up in my darkest days last year when I wasn't sure I was going to get through, it was a hard task for her, I wasnt great every day, I got snippy at times, many highs and lows - She always let me know she was there, to hold my hand (she lives in Spain) that she was there with no judgement, only love and continued to remind me how amazing I was. - THIS is what carried me through.
- When I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts, like I was losing my will to carry on even though I was desperate to, knowing that one person unconditionally cared for me and wouldn't let me go was my lifeline; it wasn't anyone who I would have expected to be there for me, be open to help.
- For those struggling, there ARE people who care about you and want to listen. We have been conditioned to believe that mental health and depression are bothersome and negative and to avoid negative people. Struggling with depression is not negativity and you aren't burdening someone by sharing your feelings, you are saving yourself. The right people will be there to support you and it may not be who you'd expect it to be. I made friends who stepped up to support me through my post natal depression; my blogging helped me to vent and people came to my rescue.
- Expectation is a b**t**d - Those who you expect to be there to support you may be the ones that let you down, don't let that make you question your self worth. It is about them, not you. They may not understand if they haven't been through it or they may not want to understand. Try your hardest to let in those people who ARE your people that want to help and distance yourself from those who make you question your self worth or try to tell you how you feel; that is unhelpful. It is very well documented that last year I distanced myself from my family in order to recover as they didn't want to help me. It doesn't mean it is forever, when I was stronger I reconnected to some, in some capacity. The main thing is focussing on getting better
- Talking therapy is incredible. I swear by counselling, if you are unsure how to go about getting it or nervous about it, enlist a friend you trust to go with you to the doctors or the counsellor as your support. When I felt like I was being fobbed off by the doctors (I went upwards of 20 times last year as I wasn't suicidal, so I was not priority; I was unwilling to lie to get treatment as I am a mother! It shouldn't have to get that far in my mind before help is offered) If you take someone with you to help you fight your corner - not someone who is telling you how you feel.
- If you are a new mum or still pregnant - tell your health visitor or midwife so you can be offered further support. I was given a Home Start volunteer and my Health Visitor managed to get my doctor to agree to refer me for psychotherapy sessions after months of me fighting to try and get them to remedy my insomnia which left me sleeping 2 hours a night - I ended up studying ACT therapy with Dr Guy Meadows The Sleep Book to work on my insomnia and anxiety - I cannot recomend this book enough
- Lack of sleep can leave you more emotionally reactive and depressed, if you are struggling with your sleep, do tell your doctors to see what help you can get, but as I say I recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as well as talking therapy rather than tablets.. Side note - Insomnia can be a symptom of depression/trauma/anxiety which is why therapy is a great remedy - I will blog on how to cope with a lack of sleep and still live a full life when you aren't getting sleep
- Lastly, though it should be much further up my list. Move, if you have feelings of depression you need to move, again get a friend to support you through doing this. Exercise and eating well help you to redress imbalances in the body and get endorphins pumping.. The exercise can be as simple as going for a walk everyday outside to get fresh air, take in the surroundings or pop on an uplifting podcast, some music or enlist a friend. Or go to a fun exercise class with a friend and have fun, or your baby if you are a mum.
- Low mood and anxiety sap certain vitamins and minerals out of your body leaving you lacking certain nutrients which then amplify low mood, when you don't sleep you crave more sugars and fats which leave you feeling sluggish, you want to grab alcohol or drugs to numb the feelings but these being depressants they leave you in a viscous cycle - this is where people get stuck.
- Shelve the booze, up your water and veggies and make sure you are not allowing yourself to become hungry, if you are depressed the diet needs to go on hold. Make sure you are getting plenty magnesium (night time) and vitamins B (all of them complex and B12), C and D, these are all energy vitamins so take them in the morning to help you to feel a bit brighter - I am not a degree level nutritionist so its always best you get checked with a doctor before taking anything, this is what I do. Eat as natural food as you can, enjoy foods you want too, just don't go starving all day then crack into the takeaways, it won't make you feel better.
I hope some of these help. :) I am lucky to be feeling worlds away from how I felt last year and it is from applying these things above. Everyday I aim to fulfil a positive thought, positive action and a positive interaction and in gaining the right support I escaped the feelings of loneliness and low self wort ah come with the depths of depression. You can too.
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself contact the Samaritans on 116 123 to talk to someone if you feel you can't reach out to anyone you know. Please do not think you are alone <3
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